Tag Archives: The Road

Viggo Mortensen, the Famous Actor

“Despite all his gifts [Viggo] Mortensen is a somewhat accidental movie star.  The first two roles he landed, in “Swing Shift” and “Purple Rose of Cairo,” were both cut from the finished films, though no one told him.  When he took his family to see the movies, they thought he was delusional.” ~New York Times, 9/10/2009

Not a homeless man. Actually a famous and talented actor.

1984 – Movie Theater

Viggo:  Okay, everybody, here comes my big scene!

Father:  My boy is a movie star!

Mother:  This is so exciting!  There’s Goldie Hawn!


Viggo:  Wait…

Father:  I didn’t see you in there.

Viggo:  They cut it!  It was supposed to be right there!

Mother:  Oh honey, I’m so sorry.

1985 – Movie Theater

Viggo:  Thanks for coming again, guys.

Father:  Sure thing, son.  Happy to be supportive.

Viggo:  Woody Allen was great to work with.  Mom, you loved Annie Hall, remember?

Mother:  Of course, dear!

Viggo:  Okay, quiet, here’s my entrance.


Viggo:  I can’t fucking believe it.

Mother:  Viggo, are you sure you’re feeling okay?  You look a little feverish.

Viggo:  No, I swear I was in this movie!  That’s where I was for those three weeks last summer!  Filming this movie!

Father:  Right, son. Listen, we know you really want to be in the movies…[exchanges glance with Mother]

Viggo:  I’m feverish because I got cut from the movie!  I really was in that movie!

Mother:  I’m going to check…the car.  I think the meter may be running out.

1990 – phone call

Viggo:  Mom, there’s a movie coming out that I have a part in.

Mother:  And what’s it called?  Home Alone?

Viggo:  Very funny.  No, mother.  I don’t want to get into this again.

Mother:  Listen, Viggo.  You’re…doing okay out there in Hollywood, right?  I mean, you’re spending time with good people?

Viggo:  It’s kind of a superficial town, but I’ve made some friends.  Sure.

Mother:  Well, your father and I want to be supportive, but we’re just a little…I mean, I worry because I read an article about some of the more…adult movies they make out there–

Viggo:  I’m not in pornography!

Mother:  Of course you aren’t, honey, I didn’t think that.  So what’s the name of the new movie you’re in?

Viggo:  Uh…Leatherface Chainsaw Massacre III.

Mother:  Oh my…listen, I think the kettle’s whistling.  Thanks for calling!

1995 – voice mail

Viggo:  Hi dad, it’s me.  Listen, the joke’s over.  Really.  You remember Mr. Thurber, my drama teacher?  He says he saw you and Mom seeing Crimson Tide at the theater downtown.  I’m in that movie!  I play Lieutenant Peter Ince!  Mr. Thurber saw you in the theater!  Please call me back.

2002 – Entertainment Tonight

Anchor:  Part of the magic of the Lord of the Rings is due to its combination of digital and old-fashioned special effects.  Andy Serkis, the actor who plays Gollum, wore a digital suit which captured his body motion, and then special effects technicians painted it over with the Gollum character!

[Mother leaves room]

Anchor:  Handsome leading man Viggo Mortensen, shown here on set talking with director Peter Jackson, is known for his old-school character preparation.

[Mother re-enters room]

Anchor:  Here is a photo of Viggo sleeping in his ranger cloak in a park in New Zealand and practicing sword fighting.  Police responding to a report of a homeless  man swinging a sword found Viggo asleep on a bench and asked him to leave.

Mother:  Oh dear…

Summer 2008 – post card

Viggo:  Dear Mom and Dad – hello from rural PA, where I’m working on the set of the movie ‘The Road.’  I made this postcard with our studio’s printing machine, which is expensive and real and belongs to a real movie studio.  The photo is of me, the director John, and Kodi who plays my son.  Yes, I have another “homeless man” beard, but that’s just for the role.  Anyhow, I think the movie is going to be great, and I hope you will see it.  I’m in practically every fucking frame.  It comes out in the fall.  Love, Viggo.  PS  I have made something like $30 million dollars over the past decade doing my “imaginary movies.”  I’m not making my bank account up.

Spring 2009 – at the Post Office

Cashier:  Got another post card for you, Ms. Mortensen.  You want it?

Mother:  [sigh] I don’t know.  He says he’s in a movie called “The Road.”  He said it was supposed to come out last fall.

Cashier:  You know I don’t watch many of them movies.  But yeah, I think I heard about that one from my daughter.  She said it’s delayed.  Maybe it’ll come out in the fall.  Maybe never.  Nobody’s actually seen it.

Mother:  Huh.  How funny the way these things seem to happen.

Cashier:  You know, your son sure is handsome in all these photos.  Except for the homeless man beards, of course.

The Book of Eli

The Book of Eli comes out in a week.  Watching the trailers, I’ve tried to figure out what this movie reminds me of.  I think I have it now:

Some exec sat in a room and said, "What if we did 'The Road', but put it in Iraq? Then maybe would people see it?"