Tag Archives: sarcasm

Nation Honors Brave NFL Players Injured Honoring 9/11

NEW YORK, NY – All across the country, Americans paid heartfelt tribute to the dozens of NFL players who were hurt while honoring 9/11. From Seattle to Tampa Bay, people gathered in crowds or sat on their couches to pay their respects to the brave football players who risked life and limb Sunday to play football in honor of the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Football stadium crowds 80,000 strong witnessed incredible acts of tribute and sacrifice on the part of the nation’s highest-paid football players. Stephen Jackson, the St. Louis Rams’ running back, bravely took the ball in memory of the victims of 9/11. He was tackled by a Philadelphia Eagles defensive lineman also honoring 9/11, and tweaked his hamstring.

“It’s hard to watch, all those broken fingers, torn ACLs, and dislocated shoulders,” said St. Louis resident Martin Green, who attended the game. “But you have to, because they’re sacrificing for us.” Mr. Green displayed the Rams jersey he wore in honor of those players who sustained injuries honoring the victims of the terrorist attacks. “Stephen Jackson, if you’re reading this, thank you.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry ordered all state flags lowered to half mast in honor of the twelve combined football players from the state’s two NFL teams who are listed as “questionable” after playing football on 9/11. “In this day of remembrance, we recall that our country was built upon the sacrifices of our brave men in uniform,” said Mr. Perry. “We have the hardest-hitting, hardest-tributing, hardest-honoring men in the world. We hold in our hearts those who gave some in memory of those who gave more than some. All, really. Go Texas.”

Television stations and other media outlets presented wall-to-wall coverage of Americans’ reactions to, and reflections upon, the NFL’s day of tribute to the victims of 9/11. “[Professional football players] gave us what we care about most on this earth – some football,” said a teary-eyed Brooklyn bartender who asked not to be identified because, “Today isn’t about me. It’s about Giants-Redskins honoring 9/11.” Many stores reported selling out of replica flags of the flags carried or worn by NFL players for several hours Sunday in honor of the victims and survivors of the terrorist attacks.

Companies like Campbells Soup, Reebok, and MasterCard announced that they will be donating, free of charge to the NFL, television commercial time to honor and glorify football players. “The nation deserves to know who these brave men are, and how much they remember on our behalf,” said Reebok VP Tyler Siderman. “Honoring these men hurt in the line of paid athletic duty while honoring those who lost their lives to the terrible terrorist attacks is just the right thing to do.” MasterCard will be starting a charitable fund, “The Heroes’ Heroes Fund,” to pay for the medical care for football players who hurt themselves on 9/11/11 honoring the memory of the victims of 9/11/01.

Preparations are already underway for next year, which will mark the first anniversary of the tenth anniversary of the NFL’s honoring of 9/11. Also Sunday, friends and family of the victims of 9/11 gathered to mark the tenth anniversary of the death of their loved ones.

the best gchat conversation I’ve ever had

[The names have been changed to protect the awesome.  The conversation has not.]

me: did your evening turn out well Saturday night?
Jason: oh man
11:58 AM
we played beer pong til 9am
me: wow. at that bar, or at an apt?
Jason: on a rooftop apartment in brooklyn
it was unreal
i hooked up with a girl under a ping pong table cover
in the middle of the party
we have no idea who these girls are
met them on the street outside the bar
unreal
11:59 AM
me: wow
that’s a great night
[….]
Jason: this apartment was unreal
12:04 PM
and now i have her number
me: nice
did you remember her name?
12:05 PM
Jason: hahahaha
best part
nope
not even the first letter
me: haha
Jason: so in the morning
im like
fuck
im still drunk
i have so little clue what her name is that i can’t even think of how to ask for her number
so i just leave
and i walk out still drunk
and get into an elevator filled with garbage
which turns out to be a service elevator
me: niiiiice
Jason: so i just stand there for awhile not able to figure it out
which gave her enough time to run out after
and she’s like oh i come down there sometimes and well uh you should take my number
so im like
ok
you can do this
think
12:07 PM
“how do you spell your name”
awesome
brilliant
on your game
me: good thinking for a drunk man standing in a service elevator filled with garbage
Jason: she goes, “erica, e-r-i-c-a”
fuck
fuck fuck fuck
ok, pull yourself out
me: yeah, I was going to guess that it was an easy one to spell
Jason: “no i meant your last name”
12:08 PM
me: brown “b-r-o-w-n”
Jason: “brown, b-r-o-w-n”
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaah
12:09 PM
me: wow
I was joking
Jason: im not even kidding
me: what just happened there was awesome
Jason: very very awesome
i love that yours came a SECOND before mine
me: yep
wow
the truth is funnier than sarcasm
well its ok, probably happens to her a lot
weird name like that
Jason: well yeah
i have it in my phone now

Internet Explorer Wants You To Be Warned

I recently encountered this helpful warning from Internet Explorer (click for larger image):

warning: warnings warn of warnings and may cause forewarning

Seriously, isn’t this concern sort of fundamental to the entire point of the program?  Doesn’t the Internet work because, at some point, some other sentient being paid attention to the information I was sending “to the Internet” (whatever THAT means) and wrote a program to do something with it?  Is it possible someone could get in front of a search engine, but be too concerned about their “information” to dare use it?  Does Microsoft really think anyone would want this message to pop up every time he did a search?  “Gee, thanks for the reminder, Microsoft!  Forewarned is forearmed!”  What sort of computer user did Microsoft have in mind with this feature?

[cue sarcasm]

Whoa whoa, what’s going on here?  I’m sending information TO the Internet?  I thought the Internet was gonna send ME stuff!  The Internet is, like, a huge pile of information and I can get at it through the Explorer.  Right?  I wanna know where to find delicious bagels (in this instance).  What information does it want from me?  Is it going to be used against me?

And who are these “others”?  The Internet police?  Aliens?  Somebody else in this public library?  I thought it was just me and the Internet, here on this computer.  Like any old book, but made of one’s and zero’s instead of abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz’s.

Damn, is everything under fucking surveillance these days?  I can’t call the gas company without the call being RECORDED, I can’t go to the corner store without seeing myself on that black and white monitor, I can’t donate sperm without giving away my birthdate.  Now other people are sitting in on the Internet with me?  Screw this, I’m gonna just take the bus downtown.

Orange Juice, Now With Less Orange Juice!

I found this product in the grocery store last week, and thought it amusing enough to share.  From the website (the red lines are my emphasis): 

Trop50? Sounds like the FUTURE to me!

 Tropicana 50, you say?  Sounds intriguing… I do so love orange juice, but it does have a fair amount of sugar in it.  You have my ear, Tropicana.  Tell me more.  Make me see it.  Sell me the dream. 

Vitamins and minerals!

 Gee whillikers!  It has only 45% of the sugar and calories of regular orange juice.  And it still has vitamin C, plus all those other good features!  Huzzah!  How ever did they do it? 

Wait...

Oh.  

They just cut their orange juice with water.  I do this in my kitchen every morning because I want to make the oj last longer.  It’s got 50% of the calories of orange juice because it’s 50% orange juice. 

Coming soon from the same marketing team: 

Starbucks Meno: a smooth, balanced brew from a specialty blend of shade-grown, organic Sicilian greenhouse coffee beans poured piping hot into a new, smaller cup. 

Still $4.99

Introducing: BobcatLite!  Same great cat, 30% less mass! 

Same great cat, 30% less mass

Okay, that’s enough.