Tag Archives: Roy Oswalt

15 Blurted-Out Reactions To The Insanity Of Cliff Lee Signing With Philly

the beautiful prom date Philadelphia couldn't stop thinking about

The universe, and Ruben Amaro Jr., are more absurd than I gave them credit for.  Cliff Lee is going to sign with the Phillies for 5 years, $120 million.  I’m not even happy about it.  So many things I thought I knew about baseball have been proven wrong.  I can’t organize my thoughts into a tidy five-paragraph essay (sorry, 9th grade English teachers!) so here are many of them in bullet-point form.

  • Ruben Amaro Jr. is both brilliant and terrible.  The Phillies just lost the NLCS because they couldn’t hit.  So Amaro lets Jayson Werth walk and signs Cliff Lee.  Natch.
  • Here is what the Phillies have spent on Cliff Lee: 4 minor league prospects + $6 million dollars + Cliff Lee + paying Joe Blanton $24 million over 3 years + losing the 2010 NLCS + $120 million dollars + next year’s first round draft pick + next year’s supplemental round draft pick = Cliff Lee.
  • I’ve always felt that Philly had an obsessive relationship with Cliff Lee.  He was like the beautiful prom date with whom we had one magical night.  Afterwards we figured it wouldn’t work out, so we started seeing somebody else (Roy Halladay).  But in our diaries (ie, Philly sports media) we secretly hoped he might return.
  • We traded Cliff Lee last year, in part, because we though Roy Halladay was better than Cliff Lee.  We were right, we’re still right, and now we learn that Cliff Lee agrees with us.
  • The Phillies really are now the Yankees of the National League.  I have no idea how we can afford another $20 million-per-year player.  I wonder if Citizens Bank is going to foreclose on Citizens Bank Ballpark in 2013 when Amaro and Gillick can’t pay their credit card bills.
  • This signing is overkill.  Yes, we now get to boast a fantasy baseball-like pitching staff.  But our offense is way too left-handed and streaky, our payroll surely now is maxed out for years to come, and Cliff Lee is not going to be worth $20 million dollars in 2014.  Maybe we’ll trade Cole Hamels and Domonic Brown for Justin Upton.
  • The Phillies are certainly going to be good next year.  Hell, I bet we’re going to be winning 120 games…after 7 innings.
  • Maybe we’re entering the post-bullpen era.  Each starter goes 7 innings, and then whichever starter is scheduled to throw a bullpen session that day pitches the 8th and 9th.
  • Last year, we tried to trade Joe Blanton to free up money to sign Cliff Lee.  When we couldn’t do that, we traded Cliff Lee and signed Joe Blanton.  Now we’ve signed Cliff Lee, and are going to free up money by…trading Joe Blanton.  This is insane, and the rest of baseball is laughing.  We can’t afford Blanton (I guess?  who the hell knows), and now we want to trade him.  “Hey baseball,” Amaro is saying, “who wants Joe Blanton and his $16 million dollar contract?”  We’re going to give him away for nothing, because baseball knows the Phillies have no leverage in those negotiations.
  • Maybe now Joe Blanton can retire and join the other heavy-set white guys with trashy facial hair getting drunk in the bleachers like we always knew he should.
  • Early favorite nicknames for the Phillies’ rotation: ClH2O, or CH2O .  Chlorine + water is how you treat your pool.  CH2O is formaldehyde.  We’re also more than halfway to spelling CHOOCH with our starting rotation.
  • This is the first time I can remember that the Yankees could not buy the player they wanted.  The streak is over.  Maybe this is a watershed moment.  Like when Napoleon lost at Waterloo.  Or Voldemort couldn’t kill baby Harry Potter.
  • Jayson Werth must be pissed.
  • By 2014, the Phillies will be Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Ryan Howard, and a bunch of players we haven’t even heard of yet.  But hey: the Phillies will have enough money coming off the books in 2011 to sign the entire Tampa Bay Rays.
  • Roy Halladay + Cliff Lee + Roy Oswalt + Cole Hamels is as good on paper as the Maddux + Glavine + Smoltz + Avery/Neagle/Millwood Braves of the 1990s.