Tag Archives: Republicans

Daniel Day-Lewis Wins Republican Presidential Nomination As Preparation For Role Playing Lincoln

Tampa, FL – Daniel Day-Lewis’s obsessive preparation for his titular role in the forthcoming movie “Lincoln” spurred the actor to seek and win the Republican Party’s presidential nomination Thursday night.

Day-Lewis’s surprise nomination bid faced substantial challenges, among them the actor’s Irish citizenship and his not appearing on any delegates’ ballots at the day’s start. Undaunted, the tall, lean actor secured the nomination through a combination of eloquence and an unmatched aura of leadership which whipped the convention into a frenzy.

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in,” intoned Day-Lewis in one of several speeches he delivered over the course of the day. Every speech was taken, verbatim, from the political life of President Abraham Lincoln. The delegates either did not know or did not care.

“He’s exactly what Romney isn’t,” said Ohio delegate Dolores Madison, sporting the suddenly-popular black stove top hat favored by the actor. “Authentic, passionate, values independence and liberty. And not afraid to talk about the Civil War that’s been happening in this country for years!”

So deeply in character that the actor seemed bewildered by the microphone, Day-Lewis’s eloquence contrasted starkly with presumptive nominee Mitt Romney’s stiff and defensive remarks. Despite most of his words being taken from Lincoln’s 1860 bid for the Republican nomination, Day-Lewis sounded more compassionate and in-touch with the 21st century than the suddenly out-of-favor Romney. With Lincoln fever building since the actor playing Lincoln stepped off a train that morning, Day-Lewis formally accepted the Republican nomination around 10:45 pm.

Presumptive Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan said he was happy to work with Day-Lewis so long as his views on women’s rights were historically accurate.

I beat The Onion to a joke

With a nod and a smug smile, I point out that The Onion and I have made the same joke.  Back on November 16th, I wrote about Republicans trying to repeal Obama’s fantasy football victory.  Today, from The Onion: Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth.  Solid piece, quite funny, but it’s the same joke, fellas.  Maybe include a little more research time in the ol’ production schedule, mmmkay?  Google search “republicans+to+repeal+obama+fantasy+football” and there is my piece, first result.  Hard to miss, really.  One ounce of diligence can save one pound of embarrassment, guys.

But it’s cool, The Onion.  We’re on the same side here.  Screw those obstructionist dirtbags.

Tea Party: Congress To Only Speak Words Found In Constitution

Washington, D.C. – Leading Tea Party activists have announced plans to seek a prohibition on members of Congress from speaking any words that were not printed in the Constitution.  “Our Founding Fathers established a vocabulary of freedom and liberty,” said Mark Meckler, co-founder of Tea Party Patriots.  “The election clearly stated the nation’s desire to return to a more purer vocabulary.”  Words not found in the Constitution include the name of any foreign nation, “Internet,” “health care,” “air force” and “President Obama.”  The GOP countered with a proposal that would force members of Congress to not wear anything Adam Smith would not have worn.

FoxNews Killed In Hunting Accident

Patrick County, VA – The Fox News Channel was killed Wednesday afternoon in a hunting accident.  The channel, “FoxNews” to its friends, was hunting in a Wildlife Management Area when it was shot by another hunter.  The shooting is being declared an accident.  Paramedics called to the scene were unable to save the news channel.

FoxNews was not wearing orange safety gear at the time of the accident, and was found with a mostly-consumed twelve pack of lite beer.  Family members reached for comment said FoxNews believed it was invincible, and liked to say that, “Bullets go where we tell them to go.  That’s why they’re called bullets.”  Despite this, FoxNews on occasion expressed the belief that it would die a violent death involving gunfire.  This contradiction in beliefs “was just FoxNews,” said a close friend.

FoxNews was born on October 7th, 1996 and lived in New York City.   In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Republican National Party.

does this metaphor work?

The American roof is leaking.

The Republicans, not presently in charge of the roof, think we should return the roof to the size it was before we added some new rooms onto the house.  Any leaks in that original roof can just be patched.  If those new rooms get wet, well, Republicans don’t use those rooms anyway.

Democrats want the roof to cover the entire house, but can’t say succinctly why that’s important.  They also aren’t sure of the best way to go about it, and are afraid of being called roofers, even though a room without a roof is no room at all.

Obama wants to fix the leaks with a brand new roof.  It’s expensive, but it’ll keep everybody dry for a long time, and maybe we can put up some solar panels.