Tag Archives: movie idea

Jamie Moyer stars in Rookie of the Year 2

48 year old Jamie Moyer underwent Tommy John surgery Wednesday in an attempt to pitch in the majors next year.  Obviously, this is a movie:

coming soon…

Plot outline: 48 year old major league pitcher Jamie Moyer (William H. Macy) gets Tommy John surgery in an attempt to pitch another year.  The doctor (Rob Corddry) tells him that he’s never done a surgery on such an old man before, and there are risks

The surgery goes wrong.  Jamie recovers to find that the tendons in his arm are a little too tight.  The result?  He can throw a baseball 100 mph.  Perfect, right?

One problem: Jamie pitched off his change-up.  He doesn’t know how to be a pitcher who throws 100 mph.  All of his pitches are 100 mph.  He can’t pitch like this.  He walks every batter he faces in spring training, and, dejected, leaves the team.

Jamie gets a job as a traffic cop, where his ability to quickly wave cars along makes him a hero.  Meanwhile, his Seattle Mariners are struggling without him.  Then one day, he gets hit by a car while on the job.  The car is driven by martial arts actor Jet Li (Ichiro Suzuki), who tells him to believe in his dreams.  His arm is hurt, and he can’t throw 100 mph anymore.  Perfect.

Star Mariner outfielder Ichiro Suzuki (Jet Li) tells Jamie that they need him back.  Jamie joins up with the Mariners just in time to help them get to the playoffs.  His fastball tops out at 80 mph.  THE END

Hollywood Is The Least Creative Place On Earth

From this NYTimes article on Avatar and its impact on blockbusters:

And a new “Spider-Man” episode is not due until 2012, now that Sony Pictures has canceled a planned fourth installment from the director Sam Raimi and the star Tobey Maguire, choosing instead to focus on a reinvention of the series, with a new director and cast.

Ugh, how dated!

The first Tobey Maguire Spider-Man came out in 2002, was generally well received, made $114 million dollars its opening weekend, and finished with $820 million dollars between its domestic and foreign takes.  The next two movies in the series combined for $1.67 billion dollars in combined worldwide box office gross.

Now, 10 years later, they’re going to “reinvent” the series with a new director and cast?  I guess Hollywood really is the least creative place on Earth.  Don’t mistake me for a big Spider-Man fan.  I imagine this is how that studio conversation went:

Big Suit One:  We need more money.

Big Suit Two:  Remember Spider-Man?  Those movies made a shit ton.

Big Suit One:  Yeah, but Toby Maguire is lame now, and won’t do another movie.

Big Suit Two:  We don’t need him.  We’ll make the same movie again!  Call it a reimagining!

Big Suit One:  The first movies still look fine.  What is there to change?

Big Suit Two:  Nothing!  People are suckers!

We won't take a risk if we can possibly avoid it

This is worse than the current trend of taking simple touchstones from a 1980’s childhood (Transformers, Where The Wild Things Are, G.I. Joe) and turning them into blockbusters.  This is taking blockbusters from ten years ago and turning them into blockbusters.  It’s even less creative.  What’s next?

  1. Gladiator, with Johnny Depp as a wacky pirate Maximus!
  2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, with Robert Pattinson and Emma Watson replacing Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet.  Do I hear the sound of a million tweens swiping credit cards?
  3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, with Sean Connery!  Same premise, but you need special effects for the younger parts of his life!
  4. Capote, still with Philip Seymour Hoffman!  He just can’t play the character like he did it last time!  What will he come up with!?!?
  5. The Dark Knight, with a ton of famous actors playing Batman!  It’d be a cross between I’m Not There and The Last Waltz, but for Superhero movies!

Crank 3: Huge Heart

The best exit from an elevator in cinema

C'mon, do something I can empathize with!


Crank 1: Chev Chelios is poisoned, and must maintain his adrenaline while hunting down his poisoners.  Causing violence keeps his adrenaline up.  Mayhem ensues. 

Crank 2: Chev Chelios has his heart removed, replaced with an artificial heart that must be charged with electricity.  Chev does violence near sources of electricity.  Mayhem ensues (much worse, less clever mayhem than the first movie). 

Crank 3!: Chev Chelios has a special part of his heart and brain removed, replaced with (whatever).  Result is that he must keep empathizing with things, while he tracks down his enemies.  If he stops empathizing, he dies.  Examples: recognizing his own improbable durability in the wilting of a perennial flower; watching a father teach his son how to throw a football; listening, really listening, to his friend Kaylo/Venus talk about the difficulties in maintain a stable, respectful relationship.  Chev must do these things while still beating the crap out of a bunch of (ethnic) gangsters.  Mayhem ensues. 

Seriously, Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine, think about it.  I would actually see that movie in the theater, instead of waiting for my friend to buy the used DVD for $4 at a Blockbuster.