Tag Archives: metaphor

monday morning metaphors

An office plant I’ve had on my desk for almost two years is blooming.  It was blooming when I first received it, a leftover decoration from a Board of Directors meeting.  Now it’s blooming again.

The office is mostly quiet today, as half the staff have taken off early for Christmas.

There are no pollinators in the building.  I work in a historical archive.  We intentionally try to kill all insects we find so they don’t damage anything.

What workers exist in the building are not interested in pollinating this plant.  Our work involves preservation and stasis, not creation or reproduction.

The plant sits near a double-insulated window.  On the other side is a forty-foot oak tree, its leaves bare for the winter.  Squirrels have been sequestering its acorns in the ground all fall.

We had a beehive near the front door this spring.  Our groundskeeper gassed the bees and tossed the hive in the yard waste recycling can.  The hive was a hundred feet away from the window.

Inside the window sits this little kalanchoe plant.  It’s blooming anyway.  No doubt a tremendous genetic effort.

Happy Monday.

does this metaphor work?

The American roof is leaking.

The Republicans, not presently in charge of the roof, think we should return the roof to the size it was before we added some new rooms onto the house.  Any leaks in that original roof can just be patched.  If those new rooms get wet, well, Republicans don’t use those rooms anyway.

Democrats want the roof to cover the entire house, but can’t say succinctly why that’s important.  They also aren’t sure of the best way to go about it, and are afraid of being called roofers, even though a room without a roof is no room at all.

Obama wants to fix the leaks with a brand new roof.  It’s expensive, but it’ll keep everybody dry for a long time, and maybe we can put up some solar panels.

Self-Assessment 1

I recently articulated to myself, for the first time, a conversational habit I engage in frequently.  It is demonstrated by this recent gchat conversation with my friend Nick Krefting.  We were talking about Achewood and how the author used to post comics daily, but now they are barely a weekly trickle:

NK: i just really hope he’s not getting sick of his characters

NM: yeah, that’d be really bad
Well, he’s entitled to declare himself done with Achewood.  But better that than drag it out.

NK: or that, if that were the case, he would muster up enough effort to give them a proper send off before moving on to something even more brilliant and moving

NM: right
like Michael Jordan and basketball

This habit of mine is to show my understanding of a concept by providing an example that fits the pattern but is obviously or ludicrously wrong.  In showing that I know what the subject is not, I show that I’m on the same page with whomever I’m talking to.

[My line of thinking in this instance was: “What is an example of someone great at something who quit at the height of his powers, but what he chose to do next was the opposite of brilliant and moving?  Ah, Michael Jordan’s baseball career.”]

On multiple occasions, however, this habit causes serious confusion.  The person doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about, the train of the conversation violently T-bones my attempt at rapport, awkwardness is strewn about the crash site, and we quickly search for a new topic of conversation.

The question I’m posing to whomever reads this and feels like responding is: is this habit just obnoxious, or does it contain comedic potential if the chosen example is a good one?

Not Classy, Jayson

We expected better

ESPN reports that Jayson Werth has hired Scott Boras as his agent.  I concede, Werth is a valuable player who will probably get a big contract somewhere this off-season, and probably not from the Phillies.

But hiring Boras a month before your big free agency is the baseball equivalent of the tramp stamp.  It’s tacky, lacks subtlety, and screams, “Hey boys, I’m on the market and looking for the highest bidder.  Artsy types need not apply.”

Comcast Revenge Fantasy

 

Please hold for our next available representative

There is a special circle of hell reserved for some of the employees and most of the upper management of Comcast.  In this place, it is terribly hot.  The Comcastdamned desperately seek water because their tri-forked tongues (one tongue each for phone, internet, and cable) are forever peeling, blistering, falling off and regrowing in their mouths.

A band of devils have a monopoly on water in this fiery place.  The Comcastdamned ask the devils for water.  The devils reply that they would be happy to give them water.  There are several scenarios which play out over and over again, indefinitely, until the end of the universe.

  1.  The devils ask the Comcastdamned to wait in a certain tar pit from 9 am – 4 pm tomorrow, when a devil will arrive with water.  The devil never arrives.  The Comcastdamned’s only recourse is to schedule another appointment.
  2. The devils hand the Comcastdamned a jug of water.  When he or she tries to drink it, the water turns into hot oil.  The Comcastdamned complains that the jug is not water, but hot oil.  The devils reply that it looks like water on their end, so the problem must be with the Comcastdamned’s lips.
  3. The devils give the Comcastdamned a drop of water in exchange for one of their fingers, which the devils chop off.  The water evaporates on the Comcastdamned’s tongue before it can be drunk.  It is not enough.  The Comcastdamned offers another finger in exchange for a second drop of water.  The devils provide the drop, but chop off an entire hand.  The devils explain that the one-drop-for-one-finger price was an introductory offer which expired after that first drop.

The devils are big believers in choice (they run hell, after all), so the Comcastdamned can choose which scenario they will endure.  But of course none of their options will ever quench their thirst.  In rare moments of lucidity snatched between the searing pain in their mouths, this situation seems eerily familiar to the Comcastdamned.

Hollywood Is The Least Creative Place On Earth

From this NYTimes article on Avatar and its impact on blockbusters:

And a new “Spider-Man” episode is not due until 2012, now that Sony Pictures has canceled a planned fourth installment from the director Sam Raimi and the star Tobey Maguire, choosing instead to focus on a reinvention of the series, with a new director and cast.

Ugh, how dated!

The first Tobey Maguire Spider-Man came out in 2002, was generally well received, made $114 million dollars its opening weekend, and finished with $820 million dollars between its domestic and foreign takes.  The next two movies in the series combined for $1.67 billion dollars in combined worldwide box office gross.

Now, 10 years later, they’re going to “reinvent” the series with a new director and cast?  I guess Hollywood really is the least creative place on Earth.  Don’t mistake me for a big Spider-Man fan.  I imagine this is how that studio conversation went:

Big Suit One:  We need more money.

Big Suit Two:  Remember Spider-Man?  Those movies made a shit ton.

Big Suit One:  Yeah, but Toby Maguire is lame now, and won’t do another movie.

Big Suit Two:  We don’t need him.  We’ll make the same movie again!  Call it a reimagining!

Big Suit One:  The first movies still look fine.  What is there to change?

Big Suit Two:  Nothing!  People are suckers!

We won't take a risk if we can possibly avoid it

This is worse than the current trend of taking simple touchstones from a 1980’s childhood (Transformers, Where The Wild Things Are, G.I. Joe) and turning them into blockbusters.  This is taking blockbusters from ten years ago and turning them into blockbusters.  It’s even less creative.  What’s next?

  1. Gladiator, with Johnny Depp as a wacky pirate Maximus!
  2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, with Robert Pattinson and Emma Watson replacing Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet.  Do I hear the sound of a million tweens swiping credit cards?
  3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, with Sean Connery!  Same premise, but you need special effects for the younger parts of his life!
  4. Capote, still with Philip Seymour Hoffman!  He just can’t play the character like he did it last time!  What will he come up with!?!?
  5. The Dark Knight, with a ton of famous actors playing Batman!  It’d be a cross between I’m Not There and The Last Waltz, but for Superhero movies!

And We’ve Reached A New Low

Trader Joe’s milk chocolate truffle bars are delicious.  If I’m eating a piece of one, I’m pretty into it.  What could cause me to drop it, clasp my hand to my forehead, and utter foul oaths?

The Dallas Cowboys giganto-jumbo tron is showing 3D video!  They handed out 3D glasses to fans at tonight’s Chargers-Cowboys game!

Maybe they should show the live game on the screen, and then re-enact the replays on the field.

NO!  NO, NO, NO!

YOU PAID HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO GO SEE THE GAME IN REAL LIFE!  YOU.  GO.  TO.  GAMES.  BECAUSE.  GAMES.  IN.  PERSON.  LOOK.  BETTER.  THAN.  GAMES.  ON.  TV.  RIGHT?

I’ve never been to an NFL game.  Is the NFL really so made-for-TV that, even at the game, you’d rather see what was happening on a screen?*  This makes me hop up and down and babble.  3-D glasses are a gimmick to make otherwise bad movies interesting.  When paired with good art, they are an unnecessary distraction.

[insert joke about the Cowboys being bad art here]

In fact, let’s construct a metaphor for this in the sexualized vein the NFL would approve of.

  1. Watching your favorite team on TV = masturbating to photo of you partner
  2. Attending the game in real life = going to partner’s house for sexual intercourse (presumably preferable)
  3. Attending game and watching it with 3D glasses on giant video screen = going to partner’s house, inflating a sex doll replica of partner, and having sex with that doll, while your partner remains in the room, keeping busy

Or something like that.  I’m all worked up.

This is why I root against the Cowboys.  I don’t really have any football reason to hate them; I’m not that into football.  But it’s shit like this that makes them despicable.  They’re like the Yankees, but without the tradition or consistent winning to back up their conspicuous consumption fetish.

But seriously.  Seriously?  Aaaaaaaaagh.

*If this is the case, then blacking out broadcasts when the game doesn’t sell out, as currently happens, is even more stupid than it already appears.