Dallas, TX – The NFL announced that the Dallas Cowboys will perform during the halftime show of Super Bowl XLV on February 6th. The Cowboys, a football team based in Valley Ranch, Texas, will entertain the expected 90,000 attendees with a choreographed routine set to music. “The Dallas Cowboys are about spectacle,” said the troupe leader, a Mr. Jerral Jones (age 68, ret.). “They’re a perfect fit for the halftime show. We’ve got some real fun things planned.” The Cowboys’ signature routine involves one squad member (usually a man) tossing a football through his legs to a second member standing behind him (also usually a man). That second Cowboy then pretends to hand the ball to a fellow running past, but instead throws the football anywhere from ten to sixty yards in the direction of yet another performer running full steam. That Cowboy sometimes catches it. In an effort to bolster ticket sales, the NFL also announced that fans will be able to watch the Super Bowl’s vaunted commercials on the Cowboys (unrelated) Stadium’s two-mile-long jumbotron.
Here we go. This is the photo I wanted yesterday but couldn’t wait.
The only person in this photo who seems to have his eyes on the field is the guy in the front row with the white jersey. Who, incidentally, doesn’t seem to be wearing the glasses.
On a related topic, NFL athletes are so good these days that I really think it might be possible to switch the giant screen and the field. Have the teams play earlier in the day and film it. Open the stadium up and everybody comes to watch the game on the giant TV. Then the players reenact the best plays from the game live on the field.
This would also allow that obnoxious jumping/guitar playing robot from the Fox NFL broadcasts to participate.
Trader Joe’s milk chocolate truffle bars are delicious. If I’m eating a piece of one, I’m pretty into it. What could cause me to drop it, clasp my hand to my forehead, and utter foul oaths?
The Dallas Cowboys giganto-jumbo tron is showing 3D video! They handed out 3D glasses to fans at tonight’s Chargers-Cowboys game!
NO! NO, NO, NO!
YOU PAID HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO GO SEE THE GAME IN REAL LIFE! YOU. GO. TO. GAMES. BECAUSE. GAMES. IN. PERSON. LOOK. BETTER. THAN. GAMES. ON. TV. RIGHT?
I’ve never been to an NFL game. Is the NFL really so made-for-TV that, even at the game, you’d rather see what was happening on a screen?* This makes me hop up and down and babble. 3-D glasses are a gimmick to make otherwise bad movies interesting. When paired with good art, they are an unnecessary distraction.
[insert joke about the Cowboys being bad art here]
In fact, let’s construct a metaphor for this in the sexualized vein the NFL would approve of.
- Watching your favorite team on TV = masturbating to photo of you partner
- Attending the game in real life = going to partner’s house for sexual intercourse (presumably preferable)
- Attending game and watching it with 3D glasses on giant video screen = going to partner’s house, inflating a sex doll replica of partner, and having sex with that doll, while your partner remains in the room, keeping busy
Or something like that. I’m all worked up.
This is why I root against the Cowboys. I don’t really have any football reason to hate them; I’m not that into football. But it’s shit like this that makes them despicable. They’re like the Yankees, but without the tradition or consistent winning to back up their conspicuous consumption fetish.
But seriously. Seriously? Aaaaaaaaagh.