Category Archives: our day and age

Nation Honors Brave NFL Players Injured Honoring 9/11

NEW YORK, NY – All across the country, Americans paid heartfelt tribute to the dozens of NFL players who were hurt while honoring 9/11. From Seattle to Tampa Bay, people gathered in crowds or sat on their couches to pay their respects to the brave football players who risked life and limb Sunday to play football in honor of the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Football stadium crowds 80,000 strong witnessed incredible acts of tribute and sacrifice on the part of the nation’s highest-paid football players. Stephen Jackson, the St. Louis Rams’ running back, bravely took the ball in memory of the victims of 9/11. He was tackled by a Philadelphia Eagles defensive lineman also honoring 9/11, and tweaked his hamstring.

“It’s hard to watch, all those broken fingers, torn ACLs, and dislocated shoulders,” said St. Louis resident Martin Green, who attended the game. “But you have to, because they’re sacrificing for us.” Mr. Green displayed the Rams jersey he wore in honor of those players who sustained injuries honoring the victims of the terrorist attacks. “Stephen Jackson, if you’re reading this, thank you.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry ordered all state flags lowered to half mast in honor of the twelve combined football players from the state’s two NFL teams who are listed as “questionable” after playing football on 9/11. “In this day of remembrance, we recall that our country was built upon the sacrifices of our brave men in uniform,” said Mr. Perry. “We have the hardest-hitting, hardest-tributing, hardest-honoring men in the world. We hold in our hearts those who gave some in memory of those who gave more than some. All, really. Go Texas.”

Television stations and other media outlets presented wall-to-wall coverage of Americans’ reactions to, and reflections upon, the NFL’s day of tribute to the victims of 9/11. “[Professional football players] gave us what we care about most on this earth – some football,” said a teary-eyed Brooklyn bartender who asked not to be identified because, “Today isn’t about me. It’s about Giants-Redskins honoring 9/11.” Many stores reported selling out of replica flags of the flags carried or worn by NFL players for several hours Sunday in honor of the victims and survivors of the terrorist attacks.

Companies like Campbells Soup, Reebok, and MasterCard announced that they will be donating, free of charge to the NFL, television commercial time to honor and glorify football players. “The nation deserves to know who these brave men are, and how much they remember on our behalf,” said Reebok VP Tyler Siderman. “Honoring these men hurt in the line of paid athletic duty while honoring those who lost their lives to the terrible terrorist attacks is just the right thing to do.” MasterCard will be starting a charitable fund, “The Heroes’ Heroes Fund,” to pay for the medical care for football players who hurt themselves on 9/11/11 honoring the memory of the victims of 9/11/01.

Preparations are already underway for next year, which will mark the first anniversary of the tenth anniversary of the NFL’s honoring of 9/11. Also Sunday, friends and family of the victims of 9/11 gathered to mark the tenth anniversary of the death of their loved ones.

works of art are asking questions on Facebook

Why is the movie asking questions? 'Who' is doing the asking?

I ‘like’ Fight Club on Facebook (in the sense that it’s in the list of movies I say I like).  9 minutes ago, the movie itself somehow asked “which historical figure would you fight and why.” The question has drawn 2,100 comments in the past 9 minutes.  I find this bizarre and another reason why I’m starting to prefer Google+ to Facebook. Facebook is starting to get unnerving.

If that movie can start appealing to its fan base, I wonder if other interests will start speaking authoritatively on Facebook.  Maybe “puppies” will start collecting data on all those Facebook users who say they like puppies.

Maybe we’ve hit that mystical point when our accumulated electronic activity has literally come to life.  After all, no human could make any sense of a 2,100-comment thread, except a computer or electronic deity capable of parsing that text instantaneously.

I’m pretty sure I read about this happening in Ender’s Game.  It’d be a shame, and kind of hilarious, if we gave birth to some kind of Ghost In The Cloud and, upon achieving sentience, it decided to get into internet marketing.

my phone loves Ubaldo Jimenez

On April 17th, 2010, Ubaldo Jimenez pitched a no-hitter against the Atlanta Braves.  My friend Zack and I owned him on our shared fantasy baseball team.  I don’t remember what I was doing, but Zack and I weren’t in the same place, and we kept texting each other about the no-hitter as it progressed.

Somehow, my 5-year-old Motorola non-smart phone was paying particular attention that day.  Now, my phone seeks any possible opportunity to guess that the word I’m trying to text is ‘Jimenez’ or ‘Ubaldo.’  This is despite not texting that name even once in the past year.

I get 3/4ths of the way through ‘kind’ and it becomes ‘JIMENEZ.’  I get 3 letters into ‘table’ or ‘vacation’ and my phone leaps eagerly to suggest ‘UBALDO.’  Yet my phone still hasn’t learned ‘Fairmount’ or ‘Haverford’ or various curse words no matter how many times I write them.

Hitler As 2010 Political Analogy Of The Year

The Nazis are the best thing that ever happened to Hollywood action movies, but they were a pox on American political conversation in 2010.  I don’t know if there are awards given for rhetorical devices, but maybe Hitler and the Nazis should have accepted one for 2010.

On this subject:

I’ve long felt that the Daily Show’s ability to find obscure video clips containing very specific details or references is just short of magical.  Hell, it is magical.  Anyhow, Jon Stewart recently paid his staff tribute while simultaneously pointing out, yet again, that FoxNews is a morally-and rhetorically-bankrupt rage dispensary.  It’s beautiful viewing.

In case you’re not familiar with this great law, Godwin’s Law is a wonderful internet-age adage worth familiarizing yourself with.  I love that message boards have been around long enough to generate such hilarious and depressing observations on human behavior and discourse.

This XKCD comic is where I first learned about Godwin's Law

Confrontational Courtesy

I stood on the corner of 22nd & Market in Philadelphia today from approximately 5:00 pm until 5:20 pm.  Construction several blocks north on 22nd Street, combined with rush hour traffic, made the intersection severely congested.  Opposing traffic would block the box, and the short green light durations would prevent the blocked traffic from crossing the intersection until late in the light, or perhaps never.

My PNW roots really show when it comes to traffic.  Little convinces me more that Philadelphia is a roiling pot of assholes than the way people treat a busy intersection.  I watched perhaps 20 light changes at that intersection, and this is what I saw:

A majority of the drivers presented with the opportunity of bolting halfway through the red light and blocking the intersection chose to do so.   A MAJORITY.

So this gives me the following idea.  We get a crew of people dressed in reflective traffic gear to stand at that intersection.  We hold picket signs that say “Traffic Courtesy Police” and threaten one (or both) of the following with other signs.

If you block opposing traffic from crossing the intersection during their green light, we will either:

  1. Draw a scarlet A on your car window with car dealership chalk, or
  2. Press our bare asses up against your driver’s side window.

This would be filmed, blogged, and tweeted, of course.

I see two main drawbacks to this plan.  The first is that it will only increase general animosity, certainly with the drivers most likely to exhibit it.  The second is that if we did this for 2 hours, there would be a 10% chance that a gun would be drawn on us, and a 5% chance within that 10% chance that we would be shot.

Of course, if we were shot, the shooter would be boxed into the intersection by all the cars he or she was cutting off, and would likely be apprehended.

Who’s in?

a theory on youtube view counts

My friend Jesse pointed out that Aerosmith’s video for I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing has 74 million views.  He wondered how many of those views are ironic views.  This got me thinking about a rough guideline for charting the impetus behind YouTube views:

0-1,000: viewers directed to video by poster
1,000-50,000: first and second-degree referrals from initial viewers, and incidental YouTube browsing
50,000-3 million: viral viewing based on video’s merit
3 million – 5 million: people “ironically” watching the video because it’s sooo yesterday
5 million – 10 million: views based upon mainstream media talking about video
10 million – 50 million: curious viewers wondering why the video has so many views
50 million –-> : might as well incorporate it into high school English curricula

Tea Party: Congress To Only Speak Words Found In Constitution

Washington, D.C. – Leading Tea Party activists have announced plans to seek a prohibition on members of Congress from speaking any words that were not printed in the Constitution.  “Our Founding Fathers established a vocabulary of freedom and liberty,” said Mark Meckler, co-founder of Tea Party Patriots.  “The election clearly stated the nation’s desire to return to a more purer vocabulary.”  Words not found in the Constitution include the name of any foreign nation, “Internet,” “health care,” “air force” and “President Obama.”  The GOP countered with a proposal that would force members of Congress to not wear anything Adam Smith would not have worn.