Category Archives: fake news

MLB Turns Players Into Other Players In Eldritch Trade Deadline Ritual

Detroit, MI – Major League Baseball’s annual Trade Deadline occurred last week, an arcane ritual wherein teams destroy players and transform them into other players through twisted sorceries abhorrent to God and nature. Analysts said it was one of the most exciting and abominable deadlines in years.

The biggest act of dark magic was conducted by the Detroit Tigers, who turned two baseball players into a David Price. Baseball seers at ESPN and Fangraphs thought it would take the souls and viscera of no fewer than three baseball players to create a David Price.

Detroit Tigers necromancer Dave Dombrowski (AP Photo/Paul Sancya, File) / AP

Detroit Tigers general managing necromancer Dave Dombrowski (AP Photo/Paul Sancya, File) / AP

“Our goal is the World Series this year,” said Tigers GM and necromancer Dave Dombrowski. “It’s hard to part with guys who’ve been a big part of our success here. But when you get the chance to get a David Price or a Jon Lester, you gotta pull the trigger and whet the bloodstone.”

A sellout Tigers crowd, adorned in traditional Trade Deadline giveaway crimson cloaks, gave center fielder Austin Jackson a standing ovation when he was pulled during the 7th inning. Cameras caught Jackson hugging teammates in the dugout, and on-field mics caught his screams as he was boiled down into fetid ichor in the clubhouse Transaction Nexus in preparation for the creation of a David Price. Continue reading

Daniel Day-Lewis Wins Republican Presidential Nomination As Preparation For Role Playing Lincoln

Tampa, FL – Daniel Day-Lewis’s obsessive preparation for his titular role in the forthcoming movie “Lincoln” spurred the actor to seek and win the Republican Party’s presidential nomination Thursday night.

Day-Lewis’s surprise nomination bid faced substantial challenges, among them the actor’s Irish citizenship and his not appearing on any delegates’ ballots at the day’s start. Undaunted, the tall, lean actor secured the nomination through a combination of eloquence and an unmatched aura of leadership which whipped the convention into a frenzy.

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in,” intoned Day-Lewis in one of several speeches he delivered over the course of the day. Every speech was taken, verbatim, from the political life of President Abraham Lincoln. The delegates either did not know or did not care.

“He’s exactly what Romney isn’t,” said Ohio delegate Dolores Madison, sporting the suddenly-popular black stove top hat favored by the actor. “Authentic, passionate, values independence and liberty. And not afraid to talk about the Civil War that’s been happening in this country for years!”

So deeply in character that the actor seemed bewildered by the microphone, Day-Lewis’s eloquence contrasted starkly with presumptive nominee Mitt Romney’s stiff and defensive remarks. Despite most of his words being taken from Lincoln’s 1860 bid for the Republican nomination, Day-Lewis sounded more compassionate and in-touch with the 21st century than the suddenly out-of-favor Romney. With Lincoln fever building since the actor playing Lincoln stepped off a train that morning, Day-Lewis formally accepted the Republican nomination around 10:45 pm.

Presumptive Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan said he was happy to work with Day-Lewis so long as his views on women’s rights were historically accurate.

Olympic Committee Ominously Favoring “Ruins Of New York” for 2026 Olympics

Lausanne, SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee ominously announced today that the ruins of New York City is the early favorite to host the 2026 Olympic Games. “There remains time for other candidate cities or inhabitation districts to make their case, but presently the Committee is leaning towards the wreckage of New York City,” said IOC President Jacques Rogge, speaking from notes at a press conference.

“Come 2026, we will of course not have the current array of cities capable of supporting a Games. That being said, we feel that what will be left of this presently-iconic American city will be the best showcase for the 2026 Winter Games.” Rogge, flanked by an alarming level of security detail, said a wide range of factors influenced the IOC’s deliberations, among them existing infrastructure, redundancy in the electrical grid, “and of course the host’s distance from what we will all come to know as the Midnight Zone.”

Rogge said much would be clearer by the first round of voting in 2018, pausing in mid-sentence to gaze into the middle distance before resuming the press conference as if nothing had happened. “We can say that the Committee also likes what it will eventually see from the Free Zone of Buenas Yerbas. A strong case to host the Games, from an undeniably resilient people.”

The chairman went to lengths to assure the disquieted room that air purity was high on the IOC’s checklist. “We will not subject athletes or fans to a risk of contamination. Doesn’t look good if you have to replace all the athletes the following year, right?” Rogge laughed, an apparent joke appreciated only by his security detail.

The Frenchman said it was too early to answer the popular question of which sports might be added to the Games, but possibilities included foraging and Synchronized Sheltering In Place. “We can also say with certainty that the cost of the high-quality steel necessary to support an Olympic-calibur bobsled event will by then be astronomical.”

Rogge’s off-hand mention that lithium and purified drinking water would be the only acceptable forms of payment in the Olympic Village set off a cascade of panicky questions from the assembled media. “The Olympic Games symbolize mankind’s ability to unite in the face of dire obstacles and achieve greatness,” Rogge said by way of assurance. “It goes without saying that, come 2026, the world will be desperate for that spirit. So desperate. A desperation beyond words, almost beyond hope.” Rogge’s voice trailed off while he worried a ring on his finger, before regaining his composure and smiling. “We think it’s going to be an incredible Games.”

Rangers Fans Refuse To Believe Their Yu Darvish Autographs Just Meaningless Japanese Characters

Surprise, AZ – Ranger fans without any knowledge of Japanese are proudly displaying Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish’s autograph, while ignoring all suggestions that Darvish is signing made-up Japanese characters.

“Yu Darvish’s autograph, baby!” said Rangers fan Tyler Roden, 22, high-fiving his brother Ryker after both obtained Darvish’s autograph on their programs. The brothers proudly displayed the signatures to onlookers, who pointed out that one signature contained twice as many characters as the other. The brothers were unconcerned: “That don’t matter nothing in Japanese!”

Darvish has been politely accommodating some fans’ request that he sign their biceps and calves. “Nope, not going to fall for that one,” said Tanner Holt, who had asked for a “power autograph” on his bicep in Sharpie. “Look there. You-Dar-Vish. Boom. I’ve played enough Japanese video games to read that.” Tanner displayed the autograph against a backdrop of two dozen members of the Japanese media howling with laughter in the nearby grass.

Darvish, a tall, handsome pitcher of Japanese-Iranian descent, seems eager to establish a good relationship with his new fan base. Madison Auger, 17, sheepishly asked Darvish if he would sign her baseball with his Japanese first name and his Iranian last name. “I want to study international relations at Texas A&M,” Auger explained needlessly while Darvish signed what looked to be a Christmas tree followed by five small scimitars in a row. “Oh my gosh it’s so intricate,” Madison gushed after receiving the ball.

The Rangers have high hopes for Darvish, having paid more than $100 million to bring the pitcher to the United States. A Rangers front office source said the team had a good feeling about the pitcher during negotiations. “We don’t employ anyone who speaks or reads Japanese, but we knew immediately he’d be a good fit. He kept cracking his lawyers and interpreters up,” said the source.

Through his interpreter, Darvish said he hopes to fit in with his teammates and “to do everything the contact which bears my signature asks of me.”

Indianapolis Tourism Bureau Posts Fliers In Local Coffee Shops Advertising Super Bowl

Indianapolis, IN – Indianapolis Tourism Bureau employees have been making the rounds of local coffee shops this week, posting fliers and plugging the upcoming Super Bowl. “We’re expecting quite a turnout for the last football game of the year,” said Bureau events director Marvin Stuckley. “But it never hurts to advertise.”

Bureau in-house graphic designer Phyllis Turtledove, fresh off her clever Evite for the Bureau’s holiday party, created the 8.5″ x 11″ flyer. “I always say, if you can’t tell what you’re reading, it isn’t a good flier,” said Ms. Turtledove, 52.

“It’s an all-ages show, so we aren’t just hitting the coffee shops,” said Mr. Stuckley. “We want the world to know there are things to do in Indianapolis for families and for our elderly folks.” Towards that end, the Super Bowl will be one of three rotating events displayed on the downtown library’s electronic readerboard. “I’ll post it to our Facebook account if I can remember the dang password,” Mr. Stuckley added, as he finished punching holes out of a stack of door hangers. “If we do this right and people have a good time, we think this game will put Indianapolis on the map for football.”

Harvard Basketball Cracking Top 25 Presumably Some Kind Of Sociology Study

Cambridge, MA – Harvard University’s men’s basketball team is the 25th-ranked basketball team in the country, leading observers to assume it’s some kind of sociology study. Harvard’s basketball team is 14-2, with one loss coming against #9 ranked UConn. “Jesus, we were only up two on Harvard at the half,” said UConn coach Jim Calhoun. “Grant money must be just pouring into that basketball team.”

Harvard denies that its men’s basketball team is engaged in anything besides competitive athletics, but observers point to evidence to the contrary. After Harvard lost to Fordham on January 3rd, each Harvard player engaged their Fordham counterpart in a fifteen minute interview on perceived biases. “Maybe it’s a cultural competency thing,” suggested Dick Vitale. “Their grad departments do some wacky stuff.” And the team’s new motto, “Publish or Perish,” is also raising suspicions. But not all observers think Harvard’s new-found athletic prowess points to an ulterior academic motive.

“Harvard’s been moving in this direction for years,” said ESPN’s college basketball analyst Andy Katz. “Everybody knows Harvard undergrad is nothing but grade inflation and TA-led classes. Those kids have more time for basketball than anybody.”

Nation Looking Forward To Day When It Won’t Be Able To Find Iraq On A Map Again

Wilmington, DE – With President Obama declaring the war in Iraq officially over, Americans breathed a sign of relief that they soon would no longer be able to find Iraq on a map again. “I clearly remember the day in January 2002 when I learned Iraq was a country,” said Norman Griswald, a Wilmington accountant. He and other Americans reflected on the brutal realities of nine years spent knowing about a place outside their immediate lives. “Shia cleric Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali al-Husayni al-Sistani. Al-Falluja. The Ba’ath Party,” Griswald added somberly. “Jesus, I still know what I’m talking about.” Medical experts say the loss of worldly ignorance Americans suffered during the Iraq War might take days or even weeks to recover from, but given time Americans might again know only that Iraq is one of ten countries with four letters in its name.