Daniel Day-Lewis Wins Republican Presidential Nomination As Preparation For Role Playing Lincoln


Tampa, FL – Daniel Day-Lewis’s obsessive preparation for his titular role in the forthcoming movie “Lincoln” spurred the actor to seek and win the Republican Party’s presidential nomination Thursday night.

Day-Lewis’s surprise nomination bid faced substantial challenges, among them the actor’s Irish citizenship and his not appearing on any delegates’ ballots at the day’s start. Undaunted, the tall, lean actor secured the nomination through a combination of eloquence and an unmatched aura of leadership which whipped the convention into a frenzy.

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in,” intoned Day-Lewis in one of several speeches he delivered over the course of the day. Every speech was taken, verbatim, from the political life of President Abraham Lincoln. The delegates either did not know or did not care.

“He’s exactly what Romney isn’t,” said Ohio delegate Dolores Madison, sporting the suddenly-popular black stove top hat favored by the actor. “Authentic, passionate, values independence and liberty. And not afraid to talk about the Civil War that’s been happening in this country for years!”

So deeply in character that the actor seemed bewildered by the microphone, Day-Lewis’s eloquence contrasted starkly with presumptive nominee Mitt Romney’s stiff and defensive remarks. Despite most of his words being taken from Lincoln’s 1860 bid for the Republican nomination, Day-Lewis sounded more compassionate and in-touch with the 21st century than the suddenly out-of-favor Romney. With Lincoln fever building since the actor playing Lincoln stepped off a train that morning, Day-Lewis formally accepted the Republican nomination around 10:45 pm.

Presumptive Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan said he was happy to work with Day-Lewis so long as his views on women’s rights were historically accurate.

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