Lausanne, SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee ominously announced today that the ruins of New York City is the early favorite to host the 2026 Olympic Games. “There remains time for other candidate cities or inhabitation districts to make their case, but presently the Committee is leaning towards the wreckage of New York City,” said IOC President Jacques Rogge, speaking from notes at a press conference.
“Come 2026, we will of course not have the current array of cities capable of supporting a Games. That being said, we feel that what will be left of this presently-iconic American city will be the best showcase for the 2026 Winter Games.” Rogge, flanked by an alarming level of security detail, said a wide range of factors influenced the IOC’s deliberations, among them existing infrastructure, redundancy in the electrical grid, “and of course the host’s distance from what we will all come to know as the Midnight Zone.”
Rogge said much would be clearer by the first round of voting in 2018, pausing in mid-sentence to gaze into the middle distance before resuming the press conference as if nothing had happened. “We can say that the Committee also likes what it will eventually see from the Free Zone of Buenas Yerbas. A strong case to host the Games, from an undeniably resilient people.”
The chairman went to lengths to assure the disquieted room that air purity was high on the IOC’s checklist. “We will not subject athletes or fans to a risk of contamination. Doesn’t look good if you have to replace all the athletes the following year, right?” Rogge laughed, an apparent joke appreciated only by his security detail.
The Frenchman said it was too early to answer the popular question of which sports might be added to the Games, but possibilities included foraging and Synchronized Sheltering In Place. “We can also say with certainty that the cost of the high-quality steel necessary to support an Olympic-calibur bobsled event will by then be astronomical.”
Rogge’s off-hand mention that lithium and purified drinking water would be the only acceptable forms of payment in the Olympic Village set off a cascade of panicky questions from the assembled media. “The Olympic Games symbolize mankind’s ability to unite in the face of dire obstacles and achieve greatness,” Rogge said by way of assurance. “It goes without saying that, come 2026, the world will be desperate for that spirit. So desperate. A desperation beyond words, almost beyond hope.” Rogge’s voice trailed off while he worried a ring on his finger, before regaining his composure and smiling. “We think it’s going to be an incredible Games.”