Cambridge, MA – Harvard University’s men’s basketball team is the 25th-ranked basketball team in the country, leading observers to assume it’s some kind of sociology study. Harvard’s basketball team is 14-2, with one loss coming against #9 ranked UConn. “Jesus, we were only up two on Harvard at the half,” said UConn coach Jim Calhoun. “Grant money must be just pouring into that basketball team.”
Harvard denies that its men’s basketball team is engaged in anything besides competitive athletics, but observers point to evidence to the contrary. After Harvard lost to Fordham on January 3rd, each Harvard player engaged their Fordham counterpart in a fifteen minute interview on perceived biases. “Maybe it’s a cultural competency thing,” suggested Dick Vitale. “Their grad departments do some wacky stuff.” And the team’s new motto, “Publish or Perish,” is also raising suspicions. But not all observers think Harvard’s new-found athletic prowess points to an ulterior academic motive.
“Harvard’s been moving in this direction for years,” said ESPN’s college basketball analyst Andy Katz. “Everybody knows Harvard undergrad is nothing but grade inflation and TA-led classes. Those kids have more time for basketball than anybody.”