the immortals radio trailer is kind of fascinating (in the way perfectly smooth drying paint is fascinating)


Spotify is running a 30-second audio ad for Immortals, a new sword-and-sandals-and-no-actual-set-locations movie coming out in November.

Video game? Movie? Obstacle course mud run? Does it matter?

Making fun of B-grade special-effects vehicles like this one isn’t a fresh joke.  But I was so thoroughly impressed by every single word I heard in the trailer that I simply had to go into the Spotify history and listen to it again.

If you put every action-fantasy movie and video game into a blender and hit liquefy, the resulting smooth, undifferentiated gray syrup would be this movie trailer. Literally nothing sticks out, except for the fact that literally nothing sticks out.

[The following is the transcript from the ad.  The text in quotes is dialogue from the movie.  Non-quoted text is the narrator for the trailer.]

“Hyperion has declared war on all of humanity!”

When an evil king threatens the world…

“I will end the reign of the gods!”

[explosion]

An ordinary man…

“The gods chose you.”

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

[sword clash]

Will become a hero…

[epic music]

“I have faith in you! Lead your people!”

[epic music gets bigger]

From the producers of 300…

Henry Cavill…

“Seal the gates and prepare for war!”

Mickey Rourke

[battle cry]

“Witness [mumble]”

[another battle cry – or maybe big choir]

Immortals. Rated R. Children under 17 not admitted without parent. Starts eleven eleven eleven.

Notes:

  • The best part of the trailer is Mickey Rourke mumbling one of the two words the trailer lets him say. The ambiguity of what he’s saying is the closest this movie comes to something interesting. But I’m 70% sure he’s saying “witness hell.”
  • The only proper noun, except for two actors’ names, is ‘Hyperion.’ Interesting character? Unlikely. ‘Hyperion’ is a word used in about a thousand fantasy and sci-fi games and stories, as shown by its really long disambiguation page.
  • The movie’s imdb cast page lists a human male named Kellan Lutz as playing Poseidon.  Presumably this is because it’s been four months since someone on the big screen last bellowed the words, “Release the Kraken!”  Honestly, if the Kraken isn’t in this movie, what’s the point.  Also, if the Kraken is not sharing lead credits with actors like Kellan Lutz, the Kraken should have a blunt conversation with its (his? her?) agent.
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