New York, NY – A Mets clubhouse attendant cleaning out traded outfielder Carlos Beltran’s locker discovered five hundred unhit home runs stashed inside. The home runs were packed tightly inside a suitcase marked “Private!/¡Privada!” When opened, the home runs launched around the clubhouse, smashing televisions, ricocheting off walls, and seriously bruising the attendant.
“We are very disappointed to discover that Carlos was withholding these home runs from the team,” said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. “God knows we could have used some of those dingers these past few years.”
The discovery of the unhit home runs underscores the Mets’ disappointing seasons after signing the outfielder to a $119 million deal. Fangraphs.com estimated the home runs to be worth 6.8 wins a year over 7 years. It is unclear when Beltran began stockpiling the unhit home runs, but Mets fans have reason to suspect the worst. During the cleanup, several of the home runs appeared to be potential game-winners, and four bore emblems from the 2006 post-season. Beltran famously struck out to end Game 7 of the NLCS, saying cryptically afterwards, “I hit a home run just then.”
“Some of those jacks were hit right on the screws,” said Mets pitcher Dillon Gee, who was in the adjoining bathroom when the suitcase was opened. “I saw one that probably would have gone 480 feet if it hadn’t struck the ice machine in the corner. David [Wright] was in the stall next to me, and now he won’t step into the clubhouse without wearing that padded batting helmet of his.”
Baseball prohibits teams from acquiring the past accomplishments of players along with the player himself (a rule routinely violated by the Yankees), so the Mets are not obligated to ship the home runs to the Giants. The Mets have not said what they intend to do with the home runs, which are not allowed to be used in future games. In 2001 the Atlanta Braves famously auctioned for charity dozens of unhurled racial slurs found in recently-traded closer John Rocker’s gym bag.