Report: Years Of Holding Calls Render NFL Linemen Incapable Of Even Most Basic Hugs


Philadelphia – A University of Pennsylvania study of ex-NFL linemen found that years of repeated holding penalties make the men incapable of performing even the most basic hugs.

NFL linemen average two holding penalties per game, and linemen who had been called for ten or more “severe” holding penalties were 275% more likely to balk at, ignore, or react angrily to hugs encountered off the field. “We compared the linemen to a control group of kickers and quarterbacks,” said lead researcher Dr. Ken Klinman. “Presented with a family member standing with arms out in a hug position, the linemen were unable to reciprocate. In the worst cases, some patients used deft footwork to push past and tackle a research standing farther back in the room.”

MRIs revealed that portions of the brain which normally light up at the onset of a hug or good cuddle remained dark in the linemen. The UPenn study theorizes that the trauma involved in being repeatedly penalized for holding someone imprints in the linemen a fear of holding anyone. The NFL says it is still reviewing the study, but believes that any such residual effects could be traced to a variety of sources, and that nobody cares about linemen anyway.

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