On Hold at Barnes and Noble


Books, Music, confusing phone systems

I called the Center City Barnes & Noble to ask about a card game they carried on the website.  It seems the Barnes & Noble phone system could use an update.  Here is the transcript of the phone call, with some creative embellishment only near the end:

LADY:  Thank you for calling Barnes and Noble, how can I help you?
ME:  Hi, I’m wondering if you carry in stock a card game which is available on the website.
LADY:  Sure, hold one moment.
[2-minute wait]
DIFFERENT LADY: Karen, you have a call on line two, Karen, line two.
[disconnected]
ME:  Um…
[call back]
THIRD LADY: Thank you for calling Barnes & Noble, how can I help you?
ME: Hello.  I’m wondering if you carry a card game in stock.
THIRD LADY:  What’s the name of the game?
ME:  It’s called Wizard.
THIRD LADY: Sure, hold one moment.
[hold]
FOURTH LADY:  Hello, are you being helped?
ME:  Yes.  I called about a card game, and someone is checking on it.
FOURTH LADY:  Hmm, card games are the third floor.  I don’t know why you’re on hold on the first floor.
[hold]
THIRD LADY: Hello?  Thanks for holding.  Yes, I think we have some decks of cards here.  Is there one in particular you were looking for?
ME:  Yes.  It’s not a deck of cards, it’s a specific card game.  It’s called Wizard.
THIRD LADY: [testily] Yes, I got that.
[hold]
MAN:  This is Dave, how can I help you?
ME:  I’m being helped already.
[hold]
FIFTH LADY: I’m sorry, it looks like we’re currently out of all the vowels in the Grafton alphabet series, except for “E is for Evidence.”
ME:  You have the wrong person.  I’m on hold about a card game.
[hold]
MAN:  This is Dave, how can I help you?
ME:  Same guy.  I’m still being helped.
MAN:  [to someone else] Dammit, second time.  That web seminar was bullsh–
[hold]
THIRD LADY:  Thank you for holding.  I looked in the cards section and didn’t see it, but I’m going to check the gifts section.
[hold]
SECOND MAN: Sorry about that.  Sup’ came in.  Give me two hundred on the Cowboys against the spread on Sunday.
ME:  You got it.
[hold]
SIXTH LADY: Thank you for calling Borders Books and Music.  How can I help you?
ME:  I was just…I was on hold with Barnes & Noble.
SIXTH LADY:  Yes, I realize, but are you sure there isn’t something Borders can do for you?
ME:  I was looking for a product at Barnes and Noble.
SIXTH LADY:  My, what a strong, confident voice you have!  I bet you have an enormous shopping list.
ME:  Sorry, I’m not going to Borders.
SIXTH LADY:  Your loss.
[hold]
THIRD MAN:  Tenth floor, eagle seven here.  Report in, bravo two.
ME:  Um, I was on hold with a woman checking about a card game.
THIRD MAN:  Sorry, wrong number.
ME:  I called you.
THIRD MAN:  I mean, no problem sir, one moment.
ME:  There aren’t even ten floors on that building.
THIRD MAN:  THANK YOU FOR CALLING!
[hold]
BOY:  Hello?
ME:  Hello?
BOY:  Is my dad still working there?
ME:  I think we’re both supposed to be on hold here, kid.
BOY:  Oh.  Tell Dad that Mommy is sick and says I can stay with you this weekend because the court can suck her dock.
ME:  I”ll tell him if I see him.
[hold]
THIRD LADY:  I’m sorry, we don’t have it.
ME:  Thank you.
[end call]
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