St. Louis – Albert Pujols revealed today that he is actually the grandson of Red Sox great Ted Williams. In a prepared statement, Pujols announced that his real name is Franklin Samuel Williams, and he is in fact a 6’2″, 210-pound Welsh-Irish male. Williams said he assumed the identity of Dominican player Albert Pujols because he wanted to create his own reputation as a baseball player. “If I was drafted as Franklin Williams, everybody would think of me just as Ted Williams’s grandson,” Franklin Williams said. “If I hit .330 with 45 home runs, people would say it was just because Grandpop was so good, and I was coasting on his reputation.”
Franklin Williams recounted Ted Williams giving his blessing to his grandson’s endeavor, only making young Franklin promise that one day he would assume his true identity. “I just wanted to prove myself, and not be another grandson of a ballplayer who had his on-base percentage handed to him,” said a tearful Williams. His assumed identity, Williams said, explains why the best hitter of the past 30 years was drafted 402nd overall. Williams added that he had dropped hints of tribute over the years. His 43 home runs in 2003 matched his grandfather’s career season-high. His 1.115 OPS in 2008 was only 0.001 off Williams’ career 1.116 OPS. “I’m surprised people didn’t start asking questions after that,” Williams said to the gathered journalists.
Williams announced that, beginning next year, he will bat left-handed, play an indifferent outfield, and “stop striking out so much just to maintain the illusion that I’m not the grandson of Ted Williams.” Franklin Williams added that his father also assumed a new identity in order to play major league baseball at the highest levels, but that “my father’s nearly 200 wins and almost 400 saves would not be considered Hall-of-Fame worthy if he was merely Ted Williams’s son.”