When I watch some baseball players, I think “Oh boy, he’s going to be an amazing softball player when he retires.” So with some help from my friend Matt Rosen, I put together a softball team of current major leaguers.
Role: That huge guy who is a threat to hit the ball into the parking lot and break somebody’s windshield. The player you delay your trip to the concession stand in order to watch hit.
Filled by: Adam Dunn (first base).
The greasy guy who plays in track suit pants and a black tank top, drives a lowered Civic or a pickup truck with a spoiler, and is the player most likely to get into an argument with the other team.
Filled by: Brian Wilson (second base).
The player who either hits it 500 feet or strikes out, swinging so hard he spins around in the dirt.
Filled by: Mark Reynolds (third base).
The quiet, athletic guy with tattoos and a really hot girlfriend who doesn’t talk too much, seems pretty nice, but is clearly working through some shit he doesn’t talk about.
Filled by: Josh Hamilton (left field).
Really friendly guy who chats up everybody on both teams, organizes the team barbecue, is everybody’s kids’ favorite member of the team, and could probably get you weed if you asked.
Filled by: Shane Victorino (left-center).
The jerk who dives for every ball, takes the game too seriously, runs to at least second base on every hit, and slides too hard.
Filled by: Jim Edmonds (right-center).
Guy who is on the roster but is always hurt so he never, ever plays.
Filled by: Rich Harden (hurt).
Filled by: Matt Stairs (DH).
Old guy whose body doesn’t allow him to play anything but pitcher, and who is now playing softball with the children of men he used to play with.
Filled by: Jamie Moyer (pitcher).
Filled by: a Molina. Because one out of every three catchers is a Molina.
Filled by: David Eckstein. Let’s see if he’s still praised as a hard-working, overachieving, does-the-little-things ‘winner’ in softball.
Filled by: Ichiro. I bet he would make an out once every three years. Would never, ever, ever be thrown out at first.