Cold Activated Morons


Coors Light is racing Miller Lite* to be as insulting as possible to their target demographic.  Miller Lite enthusiastically depicts its fans as senseless morons who prefer shitty lite beer to beautiful women.  This has been discussed here before.

At first I thought Coors Light merely distracted consumers from its beer with packaging gimmicks.  I now think it’s more than that.  It now seems possible that Coors Light is marketing itself to people who suffer from Congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis, or at least a strange inability to deal with time and temperature.

alt text

The cold activation window tells you when there's beer in the box!

The newest ads feature the above box, with the “cold activation window” which allows you to look into the box and see if the “cold activation labels” on the cans are blue (indicating the beer is cold).  I suppose a secondary feature is that the window tells you if there are still bottles in the box.

Nevermind the fact that this feature is essentially using less cardboard in the packaging.  Or the fact that if the bottles are spun around, you won’t be able to see the label through the window.  This takes Coors to a whole new level of audience mockery.  This saves neither time, nor energy, or assists the already-stupid label gimmick.  Nevermind what it suggests about the limitations of your fridge.

What comes next, you ask?

Coming soon: ColdActivation.com.  Register your six-pack online with its unique ID number.  Enter the time you put the six-pack in the fridge, and the temperature of the fridge, and Coors will text you when your beer is as cold as the Rockies!  While you’re online, create a profile for your Coors and upload photos of your Coors to share with other morons!  (Thanks to N. Krefting for predicting this dark future.) 

On the subject, I found this article about Coors new packaging.  I feel this article should be sarcastic, but it just isn’t.

*I just noticed that it’s actually ‘Coors Light’ and ‘Miller Lite.’  I wonder if there are laws that determine which ‘Light’ you use, based on how lousy your ingredients are.

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4 thoughts on “Cold Activated Morons

  1. zack

    dude it is a lost cause complaining about this shit. it’s like shooting fish in a barrel to make fun of these company’s.

    i think that, because you didn’t watch tv or movies at all as a youth, you are not cynical enough for modern culture’s bottom of the barrel sales techniques. maybe this one will put you over the edge.

    Reply
    1. nmirra Post author

      I realize mocking this stuff isn’t anything new. And I know that I just started watching television last month. But this just scratches such a fascinating, amusing and infuriating nerve in my head that I have to write it down or risk it consuming my thoughts.

      Reply
  2. Pingback: Beer Commercials: A Rumination On Homophobia And Reverse-Wish-Fulfillment | My Web Presence

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