Car Alarms

Considering purchasing a car alarm for your mid-tier sedan and parking it in my neighborhood?  Consider the following real statistics before making your purchase:

  • Percentage of car alarm soundings resulting from an actual attempted theft: 2.5%
  • Number of individuals in the city who hear a car alarm and think, “Huh, maybe somebody’s car is being stolen.  I better investigate”: 37
  • Number of individuals in the city who care about the well-being of your car: 2 (including you)
  • Percent chance that you, the owner, happen to be nearby when its alarm goes off accidentally: 15%
  • Percentage of accidental car alarm soundings which happen when I’m trying to read, write, watch a movie or sleep: 73%
  • Number of blunt implements in my house capable of inflicting serious damage on your car: 8
  • Percentage of people who wish harm on you and your car for its alarm going off because a truck drove by or something: 67%
  • Percent chance that your car will be damaged, not by an attempted thief, but by people within earshot of your car alarm going off at all god damn hours of the night: 50%

Think before you purchase a car alarm.  Short of a big bumper sticker saying, “God and I hate gun owners, teenagers with spray paint cans, and cops,” nothing increases the chance of your car being damaged more than buying a car alarm.


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