The new Nationwide ads got me thinking about a martial arts-style smackdown between the spokespeople for these major insurance carriers. What would their strengths and weaknesses be? Is there something better I should be doing with my time? So here we go.
The Ten-Levelled Temple of National Insurance Agency Spokesperson Death Challenge of the Dragon
- While not impervious to pain, virtually unstoppable by physical violence.
- Relentless sense of curiosity and play make it immune to fear.
- Very small and light.
- Accident prone.
- Probably delicious.
Fighting style most similar to: Jackie Chan.
- Good with an axe, blue phone, can of SpaghettiOs, presumably other props.
- Extremely persuasive.
- Spent twenty years out of the game in a cabin in the woods.
- Much less impressive and interesting once he shaves.
Fighting style most similar to: Anthony Hopkins
- Tag team approach. Charming and persuasive Martin the Gecko distracts opponent while Caveman wields tennis racket.
- Money can teleport to any location, and its spontaneously generated theme music is catchy.
- Gecko can crawl up your shirt and slither around with (presumably) cold little feet.
- Once the Money is spotted, it never moves.
- Gecko is even lighter than Aflac Duck, less capable of exerting force on opponent.
- Caveman prone to abandoning fight if he sees Geico sign or otherwise feels his merits to be in question.
Fighting style most similar to: Ottoman Empire Janissaries (three of them)
- Unflappable good cheer.
- Strangely seductive (right? Anyone else pick up on that?).
- Master of her domain.
- Bound to white, Purgatory-like dominion by ancient rituals of terrible power for the time of a thousand thousand suns.
- Attention to customers may distract from death match.
Fighting style most similar to: Bugs Bunny
- Trustworthy; “good hands” feint.
- 6′, 4″ tall, and has spent extensive time watching (and presumably learning from) Jack Bauer.
- Can slow time, particularly in order to witness car accidents and firefighter rescues.
- Frequently requires Jack Bauer to save his Presidency.
Fighting Style Most Similar To: Dennis Haysbert