Insurance Smackdown

The new Nationwide ads got me thinking about a martial arts-style smackdown between the spokespeople for these major insurance carriers.  What would their strengths and weaknesses be?  Is there something better I should be doing with my time?  So here we go. 

The Ten-Levelled Temple of National Insurance Agency Spokesperson Death Challenge of the Dragon

The Aflac Duck



  • While not impervious to pain, virtually unstoppable by physical violence.
  • Relentless sense of curiosity and play make it immune to fear.


  • Very small and light.
  • Accident prone.
  • Probably delicious.

Fighting style most similar to: Jackie Chan. 

Nationwide World's Greatest Spokesperson In The World



  • Good with an axe, blue phone, can of SpaghettiOs, presumably other props.
  • Extremely persuasive.


  • Spent twenty years out of the game in a cabin in the woods.
  • Much less impressive and interesting once he shaves.

Fighting style most similar to: Anthony Hopkins 

Geico tag-team of Caveman, money, gecko



  • Tag team approach.  Charming and persuasive Martin the Gecko distracts opponent while Caveman wields tennis racket.
  • Money can teleport to any location, and its spontaneously generated theme music is catchy.
  • Gecko can crawl up your shirt and slither around with (presumably) cold little feet.


  • Once the Money is spotted, it never moves.
  • Gecko is even lighter than Aflac Duck, less capable of exerting force on opponent.
  • Caveman prone to abandoning fight if he sees Geico sign or otherwise feels his merits to be in question.

Fighting style most similar to: Ottoman Empire Janissaries (three of them) 

Progressive Flo, The Woman In White



  • Unflappable good cheer.
  • Strangely seductive (right?  Anyone else pick up on that?).
  • Master of her domain.


  • Bound to white, Purgatory-like dominion by ancient rituals of terrible power for the time of a thousand thousand suns.
  • Attention to customers may distract from death match.

Fighting style most similar to: Bugs Bunny 

Allstate's Dennis Haysbert



  • Trustworthy; “good hands” feint.
  • 6′, 4″ tall, and has spent extensive time watching (and presumably learning from) Jack Bauer. 
  • Can slow time, particularly in order to witness car accidents and firefighter rescues.


  • Frequently requires Jack Bauer to save his Presidency.

Fighting Style Most Similar To: Dennis Haysbert

4 thoughts on “Insurance Smackdown

  1. bo mingo

    Too bad such an outstanding sctor would become entangled with Allstate. Allstate is by far the worst insurance company on the planet. They are lying thieving crooks. Their customer service is non- existant. You are not “in good hands”. He must be a highly paid spokesman or he has some very low standards, or both. Some of these so-called “celebs” would do anything for a buck, and I think he fits that category. Too bad Dennis. get a real job.

  2. Pingback: a couple notes on blog traffic and productivity | My Web Presence

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