Trader Joe’s milk chocolate truffle bars are delicious. If I’m eating a piece of one, I’m pretty into it. What could cause me to drop it, clasp my hand to my forehead, and utter foul oaths?
The Dallas Cowboys giganto-jumbo tron is showing 3D video! They handed out 3D glasses to fans at tonight’s Chargers-Cowboys game!
NO! NO, NO, NO!
YOU PAID HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO GO SEE THE GAME IN REAL LIFE! YOU. GO. TO. GAMES. BECAUSE. GAMES. IN. PERSON. LOOK. BETTER. THAN. GAMES. ON. TV. RIGHT?
I’ve never been to an NFL game. Is the NFL really so made-for-TV that, even at the game, you’d rather see what was happening on a screen?* This makes me hop up and down and babble. 3-D glasses are a gimmick to make otherwise bad movies interesting. When paired with good art, they are an unnecessary distraction.
[insert joke about the Cowboys being bad art here]
In fact, let’s construct a metaphor for this in the sexualized vein the NFL would approve of.
- Watching your favorite team on TV = masturbating to photo of you partner
- Attending the game in real life = going to partner’s house for sexual intercourse (presumably preferable)
- Attending game and watching it with 3D glasses on giant video screen = going to partner’s house, inflating a sex doll replica of partner, and having sex with that doll, while your partner remains in the room, keeping busy
Or something like that. I’m all worked up.
This is why I root against the Cowboys. I don’t really have any football reason to hate them; I’m not that into football. But it’s shit like this that makes them despicable. They’re like the Yankees, but without the tradition or consistent winning to back up their conspicuous consumption fetish.
But seriously. Seriously? Aaaaaaaaagh.