Rangers Fans Refuse To Believe Their Yu Darvish Autographs Just Meaningless Japanese Characters

Surprise, AZ – Ranger fans without any knowledge of Japanese are proudly displaying Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish’s autograph, while ignoring all suggestions that Darvish is signing made-up Japanese characters.

“Yu Darvish’s autograph, baby!” said Rangers fan Tyler Roden, 22, high-fiving his brother Ryker after both obtained Darvish’s autograph on their programs. The brothers proudly displayed the signatures to onlookers, who pointed out that one signature contained twice as many characters as the other. The brothers were unconcerned: “That don’t matter nothing in Japanese!”

Darvish has been politely accommodating some fans’ request that he sign their biceps and calves. “Nope, not going to fall for that one,” said Tanner Holt, who had asked for a “power autograph” on his bicep in Sharpie. “Look there. You-Dar-Vish. Boom. I’ve played enough Japanese video games to read that.” Tanner displayed the autograph against a backdrop of two dozen members of the Japanese media howling with laughter in the nearby grass.

Darvish, a tall, handsome pitcher of Japanese-Iranian descent, seems eager to establish a good relationship with his new fan base. Madison Auger, 17, sheepishly asked Darvish if he would sign her baseball with his Japanese first name and his Iranian last name. “I want to study international relations at Texas A&M,” Auger explained needlessly while Darvish signed what looked to be a Christmas tree followed by five small scimitars in a row. “Oh my gosh it’s so intricate,” Madison gushed after receiving the ball.

The Rangers have high hopes for Darvish, having paid more than $100 million to bring the pitcher to the United States. A Rangers front office source said the team had a good feeling about the pitcher during negotiations. “We don’t employ anyone who speaks or reads Japanese, but we knew immediately he’d be a good fit. He kept cracking his lawyers and interpreters up,” said the source.

Through his interpreter, Darvish said he hopes to fit in with his teammates and “to do everything the contact which bears my signature asks of me.”

Jonathan Papelbon Will Waste 236,000 Hours Of Philadelphia’s Precious Time

Papelbon celebrating another 30-minute 1-2-3 inning

Jonathan Papelbon will be the Phillies’s closer for the next four years.  Concerns about the size and length of the contract aside, Papelbon’s arrival brings a larger cost to the City of Philadelphia.

Jonathan Papelbon takes 45 minutes between each pitch.

So that’s an exaggeration, but it is a peer-reviewed non-exaggeration to say that he takes an infuriatingly long time between pitches.

So I did some math to answer this question: How much of our time will Papelbon waste over the next 4 years? I addressed this question by using the Fangraphs’s ‘pace’ statistic which tracks time per pitch.

• As a point of comparison, fast-pitching Cliff Lee took 20.4 seconds between pitches in 2011.
• Ryan Madson, our previous closer, took 23.0 seconds between pitches last season.*
• Jonathan Papelbon took 1,714.3 seconds between pitches in 2011.  No, ok, he took 31.9 seconds.

*The Rules of Baseball (cue angelic choir) give a pitcher 12 seconds to pitch after receiving the ball from the catcher. If every pitcher used 12 seconds, that would mean that Carlos Ruiz takes 11 seconds to get the ball back to Madson, and 8 seconds to get the ball back to Cliff Lee.  Obviously, umpires are not enforcing this rule.

Dodgers To Limit Rookie Manager Don Mattingly’s Trips To The Mound

Los Angeles – Eleven games out of first place, the Dodgers announced that they will be limiting rookie manager Don Mattingly’s trips to the mound. The move is an expected one, as the Dodgers look to preserve their young manager from the grind of his first season at the helm. “Don’s a big part of the team’s future, and we’d hate to see a managerial injury jeopardize that,” said Dodgers GM Ned Colletti. “Don’s made a lot of trips to the mound. Written a lot of lineup cards. We’re just listening to our trainers.”

Besides minimizing injuries like lineup card cramps and slipping on the dugout steps, the Dodgers are investing in Mattingly’s development. The game’s best managers are noted for bad knees, big bellies, and shuffling gaits. Mattingly is a prized managerial prospect but he has yet to become a shell of his former playing days. “The last thing you want is a manager who stays fit and trim,” said one AL scout. “He takes batting practice with the team, and next thing you know he thinks he can still play.” Mattingly said through his agent that he respects the move, and that he is “looking forward to arriving at spring training a little heavier, a little slower, and with a little less respect for platoon splits and on-base percentage.”

Fix The All-Star Game By Making It About The Players

The majority of chatter surrounding the All-Star Game and its deficiencies seems to be concerned with format and meaning.  Should it decide home field advantage?  Should every team get a representative?  Was it disrespectful for player X to skip the game?  These questions grow tedious, particularly when Tueday’s game suggested a different way to expand the game’s relevance and popularity: showcase the players as men with actual personalities.

Ryan Howard Strikes Out At Home After Receiving Anonymous Changeup In The Mail

Howard was in his home in Blue Bell, PA when he opened a package containing a devastating changeup.

Blue Bell, PA - The FBI and officials from Major League Baseball are investigating an anonymous changeup which was mailed to Ryan Howard’s suburban Pennsylvania home.  In his house during an off-day Monday, the slugger inadvertently opened the package, and struck out.

No one has stepped forward to claim responsibility for the changeup, which the FBI has classified as “nasty.”  MLB spokesperson Tim Wilson said the league’s intelligence office had picked up no “unusual patterns of chatter” among the nation’s independent pitching leagues.  ”That does not rule them out as the perpetrators,” Mr. Wilson said at a hastily-called press conference outside the batting cage at Citizens Bank Park.  ”We cannot say if this was the work of a lone reliever, a kid trying to make a name for himself, or an organized pitching staff.”

The FBI confirmed that the changeup was mailed in a nondescript brown box containing trace amounts of resin and chewing tobacco.  Early scouting reports state that the pitch exhibited late downward break, moving away from left-handed Howard as he stood on his front porch, suggesting the anonymous pitcher was right-handed.  “Howard is known for having trouble laying off these pitches.  Frankly, he never had a chance,” said Mr. Wilson.  “However, the pitch was at or near major league caliber, so we are not dealing with an amateur arm here,” he added.  “Any major league hitter who opened that box would have been in danger of whiffing.”

Howard reported looking foolish after the unexpected strikeout, but was otherwise unharmed.  ”I am fine and I thank the Phillies and our fans for their support,” Howard said in a prepared statement issued through the team.  ”Despite not seeing any fastballs today, the sender pulled a string and I struck out.  I feel fortunate my girlfriend Krystle did not open the package, or Shane [Victorino], who could have tweaked his wrist trying to check his swing.”

Commissioner Bud Selig asked all players, especially those susceptible to breaking pitches and fastballs out of the zone, to take extra precautions when opening their mail.  ”Should any player receive a package they think could contain a backdoor slider, a 12-6 curve, or an Uncle Charlie, we ask them to notify their team immediately,” said Mr. Selig.  ”Don’t be a hero.”

Howard’s teammates were supportive of their star slugger.  Ryan Madson, Howard’s teammate, is known for possessing a devastating changeup which falls off the table against lefties.  Madson was briefly detained by the FBI, then released.  Cliff Lee said he was glad Howard had not been mailed any chin music.  Manager Charlie Manuel said the incident reminded him of Stubby Overmire, a Detroit Tigers pitcher from the 1940s considered to be the best correspondence pitcher to ever play the game.  Victorino, who was at Howard’s home at the time but did not witness the strikeout, said he would take precautions in the future and never open his mail with two strikes.

sad Friday baseball story

Ron Wright was a baseball player who appeared in one game for the Seattle Mariners in 2002.  He had three at bats.  In his first at bat, he struck out on three pitches.  In his second at bat, he grounded into a triple play.  In his third at bat, he lined into a double play.  He was pinch-hit for when his fourth at bat came around, and after the game, he was sent down to the minors.

Oh, but his story is much worse.  Read about it here.

The Picture of Clifton Phifer Lee

In looking up the names of old ballplayers, I stumbled upon a familiar name on the roster of the 1923 Philadelphia Phillies:

How interesting, I thought!  There was another Cliff Lee, playing outfield for the Phillies back in 1923.  My puzzlement continued when I saw that this Cliff Lee had also played for the Cleveland Indians, in 1925 and 1926.  So I checked up on this fellow on ESPN, which has a player archive that stretches back to the 1800s.  Behold what I found (click for larger image):

Nothing in this is touched up in any way by me

I could not take my eyes away from the player’s portrait!  This 1920′s Cliff Lee bore an eeeerie resemblance to the Cliff Lee we just signed to a massive contract.  Comparing the two photographs side-by-side reveals just how similar the two men look:

could be brothers...

Note, dear reader, the similar smiles, and the similar proportion of neck width to jaw width.  They don’t wear their caps the same way, but perhaps that was a result of the differing styles of different eras.

Still, I cannot help but shake the notion that there is a baseball card somewhere, perhaps hidden in an attic in Benton, Arkansas.  The card is well preserved in a plastic sleeve.  Were you to hold it to your nose, you could just imagine the faintest smell of bubblegum dusted upon its surface.  The image on the front is of a man, framed in an oval above which are printed the words Pittsburgh Pirates.  The man in the oval looks very, very old.  The bat which once jutted purposefully from his shoulder has dropped to the ground, gripped at the knob by a veiny hand.  The uniform sags, the button-tied front falling straight down from neck line to belt buckle, as if the chest and stomach of the man have collapsed inward.  The old man’s wrinkled face betrays no hint of the athletic young man who should be gripping that stick of maple.  But the eyes, oh the eyes, they have lost none of their vigor, and they are a ballplayer’s eyes indeed.

And were you to turn over the card and examine its back, dear reader, you would see a curiosity indeed: a list of statistics, impossibly long, type minuscule in size.  At the top, batting numbers; farther down, pitching.  The man, or so the card claims, has played in over 70,000 baseball games.

And if you happen to be holding this strange card, gently, with the edges of its case between thumb and index finger, on an afternoon this upcoming early April, you will see the text suddenly, imperceptibly, shift, and grow smaller.  And at the bottom, smaller than a line of ants, a new line will suddenly appear.  2011.  Philadelphia.  1 Game.  1 Game Started.  7 innings pitched.  5 hits, 0 walks, 1 run, 6 strikeouts.   ERA of 1.28, WHIP of 0.71.  Record: 1-0.

15 Blurted-Out Reactions To The Insanity Of Cliff Lee Signing With Philly

the beautiful prom date Philadelphia couldn't stop thinking about

The universe, and Ruben Amaro Jr., are more absurd than I gave them credit for.  Cliff Lee is going to sign with the Phillies for 5 years, $120 million.  I’m not even happy about it.  So many things I thought I knew about baseball have been proven wrong.  I can’t organize my thoughts into a tidy five-paragraph essay (sorry, 9th grade English teachers!) so here are many of them in bullet-point form.

• Ruben Amaro Jr. is both brilliant and terrible.  The Phillies just lost the NLCS because they couldn’t hit.  So Amaro lets Jayson Werth walk and signs Cliff Lee.  Natch.
• Here is what the Phillies have spent on Cliff Lee: 4 minor league prospects + $6 million dollars + Cliff Lee + paying Joe Blanton $24 million over 3 years + losing the 2010 NLCS + $120 million dollars + next year’s first round draft pick + next year’s supplemental round draft pick = Cliff Lee.
• I’ve always felt that Philly had an obsessive relationship with Cliff Lee.  He was like the beautiful prom date with whom we had one magical night.  Afterwards we figured it wouldn’t work out, so we started seeing somebody else (Roy Halladay).  But in our diaries (ie, Philly sports media) we secretly hoped he might return.
• We traded Cliff Lee last year, in part, because we though Roy Halladay was better than Cliff Lee.  We were right, we’re still right, and now we learn that Cliff Lee agrees with us.
• The Phillies really are now the Yankees of the National League.  I have no idea how we can afford another $20 million-per-year player.  I wonder if Citizens Bank is going to foreclose on Citizens Bank Ballpark in 2013 when Amaro and Gillick can’t pay their credit card bills.
• This signing is overkill.  Yes, we now get to boast a fantasy baseball-like pitching staff.  But our offense is way too left-handed and streaky, our payroll surely now is maxed out for years to come, and Cliff Lee is not going to be worth $20 million dollars in 2014.  Maybe we’ll trade Cole Hamels and Domonic Brown for Justin Upton.
• The Phillies are certainly going to be good next year.  Hell, I bet we’re going to be winning 120 games…after 7 innings.
• Maybe we’re entering the post-bullpen era.  Each starter goes 7 innings, and then whichever starter is scheduled to throw a bullpen session that day pitches the 8th and 9th.
• Last year, we tried to trade Joe Blanton to free up money to sign Cliff Lee.  When we couldn’t do that, we traded Cliff Lee and signed Joe Blanton.  Now we’ve signed Cliff Lee, and are going to free up money by…trading Joe Blanton.  This is insane, and the rest of baseball is laughing.  We can’t afford Blanton (I guess?  who the hell knows), and now we want to trade him.  “Hey baseball,” Amaro is saying, “who wants Joe Blanton and his $16 million dollar contract?”  We’re going to give him away for nothing, because baseball knows the Phillies have no leverage in those negotiations.
• Maybe now Joe Blanton can retire and join the other heavy-set white guys with trashy facial hair getting drunk in the bleachers like we always knew he should.
• Early favorite nicknames for the Phillies’ rotation: ClH2O, or CH2O .  Chlorine + water is how you treat your pool.  CH2O is formaldehyde.  We’re also more than halfway to spelling CHOOCH with our starting rotation.
• This is the first time I can remember that the Yankees could not buy the player they wanted.  The streak is over.  Maybe this is a watershed moment.  Like when Napoleon lost at Waterloo.  Or Voldemort couldn’t kill baby Harry Potter.
• Jayson Werth must be pissed.
• By 2014, the Phillies will be Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Ryan Howard, and a bunch of players we haven’t even heard of yet.  But hey: the Phillies will have enough money coming off the books in 2011 to sign the entire Tampa Bay Rays.
• Roy Halladay + Cliff Lee + Roy Oswalt + Cole Hamels is as good on paper as the Maddux + Glavine + Smoltz + Avery/Neagle/Millwood Braves of the 1990s.