Category Archives: baseball

MLB Turns Players Into Other Players In Eldritch Trade Deadline Ritual

Detroit, MI – Major League Baseball’s annual Trade Deadline occurred last week, an arcane ritual wherein teams destroy players and transform them into other players through twisted sorceries abhorrent to God and nature. Analysts said it was one of the most exciting and abominable deadlines in years.

The biggest act of dark magic was conducted by the Detroit Tigers, who turned two baseball players into a David Price. Baseball seers at ESPN and Fangraphs thought it would take the souls and viscera of no fewer than three baseball players to create a David Price.

Detroit Tigers necromancer Dave Dombrowski (AP Photo/Paul Sancya, File) / AP

Detroit Tigers general managing necromancer Dave Dombrowski (AP Photo/Paul Sancya, File) / AP

“Our goal is the World Series this year,” said Tigers GM and necromancer Dave Dombrowski. “It’s hard to part with guys who’ve been a big part of our success here. But when you get the chance to get a David Price or a Jon Lester, you gotta pull the trigger and whet the bloodstone.”

A sellout Tigers crowd, adorned in traditional Trade Deadline giveaway crimson cloaks, gave center fielder Austin Jackson a standing ovation when he was pulled during the 7th inning. Cameras caught Jackson hugging teammates in the dugout, and on-field mics caught his screams as he was boiled down into fetid ichor in the clubhouse Transaction Nexus in preparation for the creation of a David Price. Continue reading

Majestic Athletic Knows Baseball Jerseys, Has Never Watched a Baseball Game

Majestic supplies the official uniform of Major League Baseball. You’d think they could at least get a copywriter who has ever seen a baseball game before.

Image

If it happened in baseball, Majestic wasn’t watching

From the product page for the $99.95 Yasiel Puig Los Angeles Dodgers #66 Majestic Replica Jersey – White:

Description

There’s no doubting your Dodgers enthusiasm! Send out your cheers for Yasiel Puig as he makes another exciting play for Los Angeles in this replica Player Jersey from Majestic. It features a tackle twill team name across the chest, along with your favorite player’s name and number on the back. Perfect for any fan who wants to be in the middle of all the L.A. action, this jersey provides the ultimate display of team pride for a die-hard MLB buff!

Meanwhile, from the page of the $99.95 Hyun-Jin Ryu Los Angeles Dodgers #99 Majestic Replica Jersey – White:

Description

There’s no doubting your Dodgers enthusiasm! Send out your cheers for Hyun-Jin Ryu as he makes another exciting play for Los Angeles in this replica Player Jersey from Majestic. It features a tackle twill team name across the chest, along with your favorite player’s name and number on the back. Perfect for any fan who wants to be in the middle of all the L.A. action, this jersey provides the ultimate display of team pride for a die-hard MLB buff!

You can see the merge fields from a mile away. Let’s examine the original code:

Description

There’s no doubting your [*TEAMNAME*] enthusiasm! Send out [*HAPPYAMERICAN1*] for [*PLAYERFNAME*] as he makes another exciting play for [*CITY*] in this [*PRODUCTTITLE_2*] from [*WHOSBITCHAREYOU*]. It features a [*FIELD_12*] across the [*FIELD_32*] along with your favorite player’s name and number on the [*FIELD_3*]. Perfect for any [*AMERICANSPORTSFANLINGO_2*] who wants to be in the middle of all the [*CITY*], this [*PRODUCTTITLE_4*] provides the ultimate display of team pride for a [*BRUCEWILLIS_3*] [*ACCOUNT:PROFESSIONAL_ATHLETICS_CONFEDERACY_NAME*] buff!

So repetitious product descriptions, sure. But except for being grammatically correct, it reads like spam. “Send out your cheers?” Hoping for another “exciting play for Los Angeles” from pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu? A human chose those expressions. And the people who come to mind who want to be “in the middle of all the L.A. action” are either aspiring actors, or those goons who have been getting into knife fights with Giants fans.

Majestic, your number one source of replica clothing items simulating attire worn by professional sporting business venture employees authentic jerseys for the emotionally invested unpaid supporter of professional sporting business venture die hard fan in your innumerable but finite moments of time put in sequence and given meaning through the limited interpretation of a lone actor operating from a fixed perspective life!

Of course, Majestic is also selling a “Tampa Bay Rays 1970s Replica Jersey” so maybe they’re in on the joke after all.

Rangers Fans Refuse To Believe Their Yu Darvish Autographs Just Meaningless Japanese Characters

Surprise, AZ – Ranger fans without any knowledge of Japanese are proudly displaying Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish’s autograph, while ignoring all suggestions that Darvish is signing made-up Japanese characters.

“Yu Darvish’s autograph, baby!” said Rangers fan Tyler Roden, 22, high-fiving his brother Ryker after both obtained Darvish’s autograph on their programs. The brothers proudly displayed the signatures to onlookers, who pointed out that one signature contained twice as many characters as the other. The brothers were unconcerned: “That don’t matter nothing in Japanese!”

Darvish has been politely accommodating some fans’ request that he sign their biceps and calves. “Nope, not going to fall for that one,” said Tanner Holt, who had asked for a “power autograph” on his bicep in Sharpie. “Look there. You-Dar-Vish. Boom. I’ve played enough Japanese video games to read that.” Tanner displayed the autograph against a backdrop of two dozen members of the Japanese media howling with laughter in the nearby grass.

Darvish, a tall, handsome pitcher of Japanese-Iranian descent, seems eager to establish a good relationship with his new fan base. Madison Auger, 17, sheepishly asked Darvish if he would sign her baseball with his Japanese first name and his Iranian last name. “I want to study international relations at Texas A&M,” Auger explained needlessly while Darvish signed what looked to be a Christmas tree followed by five small scimitars in a row. “Oh my gosh it’s so intricate,” Madison gushed after receiving the ball.

The Rangers have high hopes for Darvish, having paid more than $100 million to bring the pitcher to the United States. A Rangers front office source said the team had a good feeling about the pitcher during negotiations. “We don’t employ anyone who speaks or reads Japanese, but we knew immediately he’d be a good fit. He kept cracking his lawyers and interpreters up,” said the source.

Through his interpreter, Darvish said he hopes to fit in with his teammates and “to do everything the contact which bears my signature asks of me.”

Jonathan Papelbon Will Waste 236,000 Hours Of Philadelphia’s Precious Time

Papelbon celebrating another 30-minute 1-2-3 inning

Jonathan Papelbon will be the Phillies’s closer for the next four years.  Concerns about the size and length of the contract aside, Papelbon’s arrival brings a larger cost to the City of Philadelphia.

Jonathan Papelbon takes 45 minutes between each pitch.

So that’s an exaggeration, but it is a peer-reviewed non-exaggeration to say that he takes an infuriatingly long time between pitches.

So I did some math to answer this question: How much of our time will Papelbon waste over the next 4 years? I addressed this question by using the Fangraphs’s ‘pace’ statistic which tracks time per pitch.

  • As a point of comparison, fast-pitching Cliff Lee took 20.4 seconds between pitches in 2011.
  • Ryan Madson, our previous closer, took 23.0 seconds between pitches last season.*
  • Jonathan Papelbon took 1,714.3 seconds between pitches in 2011.  No, ok, he took 31.9 seconds.

*The Rules of Baseball (cue angelic choir) give a pitcher 12 seconds to pitch after receiving the ball from the catcher. If every pitcher used 12 seconds, that would mean that Carlos Ruiz takes 11 seconds to get the ball back to Madson, and 8 seconds to get the ball back to Cliff Lee.  Obviously, umpires are not enforcing this rule.

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lordy, this Seattle Mariners timeline is depressing

From Dave Cameron at USS Mariner, a succinct account of why the Mariners have been terrible since 2004:

November 7th, 2003 – The Seattle Mariners hired Bill Bavasi as General Manager.

January 8th, 2004 – The Seattle Mariners traded Carlos Guillen for Ramon Santiago.

November 15th, 2004 – The Seattle Mariners signed Richie Sexson to a 4 year, $50 million contract.

December 22nd, 2005 – The Seattle Mariners signed Jarrod Washburn to a 4 year, $37 million contract.

June 30th, 2006 – The Seattle Mariners traded Asdrubal Cabrera for Eduardo Perez.

July 26th, 2006 – The Seattle Mariners traded Shin-Soo Choo for Ben Broussard.

December 7th, 2006 – The Seattle Mariners traded Rafael Soriano for Horacio Ramirez.

December 18th, 2006 – The Seattle Mariners traded Chris Snelling and Emiliano Fruto forJose Vidro.

December 20th, 2007 – The Seattle Mariners signed Carlos Silva to a four year, $48 million contract.

February 8th, 2008 – The Seattle Mariners traded Adam JonesGeorge SherrillChris TillmanTony Butler, and Kam Mickolio for Erik Bedard.

Dodgers To Limit Rookie Manager Don Mattingly’s Trips To The Mound

Los Angeles – Eleven games out of first place, the Dodgers announced that they will be limiting rookie manager Don Mattingly’s trips to the mound. The move is an expected one, as the Dodgers look to preserve their young manager from the grind of his first season at the helm. “Don’s a big part of the team’s future, and we’d hate to see a managerial injury jeopardize that,” said Dodgers GM Ned Colletti. “Don’s made a lot of trips to the mound. Written a lot of lineup cards. We’re just listening to our trainers.”

Besides minimizing injuries like lineup card cramps and slipping on the dugout steps, the Dodgers are investing in Mattingly’s development. The game’s best managers are noted for bad knees, big bellies, and shuffling gaits. Mattingly is a prized managerial prospect but he has yet to become a shell of his former playing days. “The last thing you want is a manager who stays fit and trim,” said one AL scout. “He takes batting practice with the team, and next thing you know he thinks he can still play.” Mattingly said through his agent that he respects the move, and that he is “looking forward to arriving at spring training a little heavier, a little slower, and with a little less respect for platoon splits and on-base percentage.”